Onward Christian Soldiers Marching As To Kill

Recently, a group of nine "Christian Soldiers" from northern MI were arrested for conspiring to assassinate law enforcement officials. The group believes that by inciting this violence they would quicken the coming Rapture and Tribulation (Jesus is just taking way too long).

To see if their plot was in any way successful, I headed on over to check the good ol' Rapture Index (the "Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity") at Raptureready.com. Sure enough, it looks like the Rapture should be happening really soon - "Fasten your seat belt."

The index is divided into different indicator of the Rapture's imminence, these indicators including inflation, beast government, Gog (Russia), drug abuse, oil supply, and interest rates. Together, they give you an accurate indication of how quickly the rapture will be upon us. Here is the highlight of today's Index (and I quote):

"Anti-Christian: Attacks aimed at beleivers gas increased."

OMG! People are attacking "beleivers gas"!!! It truly is the end of days!

First off, please spell check. Second, What?!?

Also, I read an article about What Jesus Would Do about the Health Care Bill. To sum up: Jesus would never enter into any discussion about what the government should or should not do about private insurance and this sort of thing. And also, Jesus is totally against government interference in health care because Health Care murders babies and other people. Also, Jesus would pray for Obama - the anti-Christ who is a Christian, but only ironically - to come to Christ. Bravo Rapture Ready, Bravo!