The Most Traumatic Haircut of My Life

First off, let me assure you that I, like most of you I'm sure, don't much care for haircut stories... Unless they are filled with great music and disturbing violence like Sweeney Todd. But I believe I just experienced a real life Sweeney Todd story.

I just returned from the most traumatic haircut of my life. First, the barber kept insisted that I cut off my side-burns. I said no. She persisted, saying, "I just think they look so awful." I reiterated, "I am not going to cut them." She said, "at least let me take them up to the middle of your ear." I said no. Then we got back to somewhat pleasant conversation about how we spent our New Years, though she kept bringing up a strip-club - or girly club, as she alternately called it - that apparently had a shooting. I don't think I've heard a barber talk quite so much about strip clubs before. I'm not sure, but it may have violated barber etiquette.

Then, when my haircut was done, she decided she would tell me her secret for how to straighten short hair, as she decided that my hair was too curly. Her method - which she played out on my freshly shorn head - was as follows:
  1. Get the hair really wet ("at home, what you'll need to do is to shake your head after you get out of the shower, but don't towel dry it!")
  2. Kneading a handful of gel deep into the root (seriously, I felt like my head was bread dough and that she was an anger chef)
  3. Yank all the hair back to a point in the back of your head
  4. Wait 20 minutes (we only waited about 5 minutes, since she was "in a hurry")
  5. Blow dry the hair while jerking it straight (after this your hair should look like you've been conducting a great deal of electricity)
  6. Then finally styling it as normal (If you've followed all the steps correctly, this step should prove impossible)
In the end, I looked like a freakin' chia pet. My hair is soooo poofy. It looks like my hair has rejected me and is attempting to flee. My hair resting a good two inches off of my scalp. Given that I already have a large head, this is not a good look for me. My head is completely out of proportion to my body. I think I could have saved myself the time and rolled out of bed and rubbed a balloon on my head for 45 minutes. Anyway, here's a picture of my new look.
By way of summary, let me just say that my head hurts.

Fun Fact of the Week: Did you know that there are no poisonous snakes in Maine?

1 comment:

Reuben S said...

1. Never mess with a man's sideburns. Oh man. I would have started destroying things. Do people not know that our powers of awesomeness come from our sideburns? Geez!

2. Never even think about messing with a man's sideburns.