Dan Blogs

The Test: How the Coconut Made Me An Atheist

2011-12-14T14:41:00.009-05:00

I apologize for the length of this post, but if you stick with it, I hope you will find it to be worth your time.

It was a raining Chicago day today. So I took the bus home (and I am so glad I did). At the Moody Bible College bus stop, two young women - probably 18 to 25 - hopped on the bus looking like classic home-schoolers. If you are unfamiliar with this look, think ankle-length corduroy skirts, bleached jean jackets, and matching hand-knit scarves, hats, and mittens.

They sat next to me and spoke unusually loud for bus conversation. I easily overheard all they said (without trying). One of the girls was apparently flying out of O'hare and the other was accompanying her since she was afraid to take the "el" alone. Adorable.

Then came the good part. Right before they got off the bus to transfer to the blue line, one of the girls took something out of her purse and set it on the seat next to her (and next to me). I looked at it and my eyes widened. It was a pamphlet! A apologetic, evangelistic tract! And it was wonderful. "The Atheist Test." Apparently based on a book by Ray Comfort, it was filled with arguments that will convert atheists to Christianity. In it's quest to convince atheists, it brimmed with unintentional humor.

Consider this gem (which is written exactly as it appears in the book):

The banana--the atheist's nightmare.

Note that the banana:

Is shaped for human hand
Has non-slip surface
Has outward indicators of inward contents: Green--too early, Yellow--just right, Black--too late.
Has a tab for removal of wrapper
Is perforated on wrapper
Bio-degradable wrapper
Is shaped for human mouth
Has a point at top for ease of entry
Is pleasing to taste buds
Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

Now if that didn't just convert you to Christianity, I don't know what else possibly could.

I was ecstatic with this new approach to converting the pagans. I was also hungry for a banana. So I went home, opened up the fridge, and grabbed some fruit. Unfortunately, I grabbed a coconut. I was struck with sudden despair. Where was the perforates tab? Where was the "ease of entry"*? Was the coconut the theist's nightmare? How could a there be a god if a piece of fruit is difficult to eat? I put the coconut down, deciding that I would ponder the coconut another day.

I turned the page, hoping for some argument to revive my shattered faith. This page contained a quiz with "yes" or "no" boxes and "yes" or "no" questions by them.

Question #1: "From the atom to the universe is there order?"

I checked "yes."

Question #2: "Did it happen by accident or must there have been an intelligent mind?"

Uh oh. I was stumped. Do I check "yes" or "no"? My head hadn't hurt that much since I read about Schrodinger's cat. I checked "yes, it did happen by accident or there must have been an intelligent mind." Next question.

Question #3: "What are the odds of 50 oranges falling by chance into ten rows of five oranges?"

Again, this pamphlet was too smart for me. Was I supposed to be able to do this math in my head? I wanted more information. I found myself wondering: "How high were the oranges dropped? Did they have time to reach maximum velocity? What is the terminal velocity of an orange anyway? Were these oranges dropped individually or as a group? What about the contours of the ground - smooth or rough? Why am I still reading this pamphlet?"

That last question struck me the hardest. I put the pamphlet down and went to eat a banana (green - TOO EARLY!). From now on, I'll spend my mental energies on something more simplistic. Rick Perry advertisements, here I come!

In the end, I have realized that some mysteries, like the coconut, are best left unsolved.

*I could easily have written a trashy blog-post about the double-entendre or innuendo in many of the points. If those points escaped you, read the banana arguments again. Still not getting it, congratulations on the purity of your mind!

Just to prove that it's real.

Judge Me!

2011-06-07T17:48:00.006-05:00

Alright sports fans! It is now time to play: "Dan: dull-wit or sharp-wit." This is the hit game where I describe something that happened to me and tell you my reaction and let you decided: am I half witted or fully witted?

Today's set-up: Dan walks in to the barber shop to get a quick hair cut.

From the moment I sat down, I knew this barber was a piece of work. She immediately launched into a soliloquy about her son as she began to cut my hair. I mean immediately, she did not even ask me what I wanted done. But apparently her son had hair like mine so she said she knew exactly how to style it. I said,"great, maybe I can learn something." That was my first mistake.

She then proceeded to describe - in great detail - everything she was doing as she did it. Every snip, clip, trim... like she was doing the director's commentary on the DVD extras of the hair cut movie.

Then came the part where we style the hair. Here she said she'd show me the trick that she taught her son. I was intrigued... "go on." Then came the pain. She said to style hair you must first really massage the gel into the roots of the hair... massage isn't the right word... it was more like giving my hair a good pummeling.

"Then," she said, "the hair must be dried." So then next ten minutes were spent with the hair dryer on the hottest setting shooting hot air into my ear canal. "Now we can really style it" she announced. I was still with her, hoping for some stupendous result. But when I put my glasses on and took a look, I quickly realized this was one of the worst and most uneven chop jobs of my life. I looked like how I imagine Medusa looks when she first rolls out of bed after a long night of turning people to stone.

And here comes the part where you get to vote...

She had spent so much time with me - almost an hour for what is usually a 5-10 minute job - and seemed to invest herself so heavily in my hair that I ended up leaving about twice the tip that I normally would (and I'm normally a pretty good tipper). I just felt guilty since she had put so much time and effort into destroying my hair.

So, for the leaving of a good tip for a terrible service, what do you say: Am I dull or sharp, halfly or fully witted? Let's answer this question once a for all.

Reflections on the Day I Became a Man - by Dan

2011-02-12T11:57:00.006-05:00

When I was 16 or so a group of men and boys - including my father and I - from my church went to a Promise Keepers Saturday retreat/conference. The event was organized around the topic of "becoming a man." (For those not familiar with Promise Keepers, the topics fluctuate between becoming a man and the feminist castration of American manhood).

The events key speaker spoke about the Jewish rite of the Bar Mitzvah. He told us how boys studied for years for this big day and that it clearly delineated their lives into pre- and post-Mitzvah. Further, once a Jewish boy passed through this ritual, he was fully accepted in the community as a man.

The speaker went on to lament that Christians don't have such a wonderful rich tradition. And the lack of this tradition has forced many men to find their own way into manhood, leaving many scarred forever as man-boys.

Everyone was thinking, "Wow, that Bar Mitzvah sounds like the bees knees."

Then the speaker said that he had a big surprise and sent all of the boys out into the narthex of the monstrous communist-style mega-church. The doors were closed and we all sat in the hall way wondering what our surprise was. Personally, I was hoping that Randy the Macho Man Savage would be in there when the doors were reopened.

Finally, a man opened the door and said he'd call our names one at a time and that we would then go up to the stage. One by one we were called. We could hear a great commotion, but were still unsure what lay behind those doors for each of us. Finally, my name was called, I went in the enormous sanctuary of the beast church and was greeted by hundreds of grown men all standing in a row down the center aisle. They were clapping and shouting my name. I was told to run down to the stage. I did. The cheering jubilant men all joyously slapped me heartily on the back and ass as I ran the 5-K aisle of the beast-church towards the stage.

Finally I arrived, huffing and puffing, my back sore from the vigorous man-pounding. And there was my dad on stage. We were told to hug and then I was handed a certificate that said my name on it with the word "man" on it's heading.

I imagine the speaker preparing his talk and asking himself, "How can we do our own Bar Mitzvah, but condense the years of preparation into 25 minutes? Eureka, we'll just have the boys run a gauntlet while strange men slap their asses!" Problem solved. Manhood achieved. Great success!

And that is how I became a man. The End.

Two HUGE Announcements and one short observation

2011-01-23T18:08:00.007-05:00

Howdy sports racers!

First of all, an observation: Have you ever noticed how nearly every shampoo/soap commercial ever made has some shot of a woman getting splashed in the face in slow motion? I'm not talking about the slow motion shower scenes where the naughty bits are artfully covered up. Nor am I talking about women splashing themselves (like men do in shaving cream commercials). I am talking about some bucket of water being thrown from off camera at a woman's face. This is strange. In my experience women don't like being splashed in the face, whether it is at fast/slow or normal speed. Anyway... next time you see a commercial, take notice.

Now, the two HUGE announcements:

The first is my New Years' resolution: www.project52songs.com. Throughout 2011 I will be writing and recording one song per week and posting them to the website for the enjoyment of my readers/listeners. Head on over and check out the first few weeks.

Second, I am excited to announce a new album by The Anachronists (my band): The Ascent of Dance!

Buy at iTunes: Buy at Amazon:

Also, stay tuned for my next blog when I tell the story of the day I became a man. (Don't worry, it is G-rated)

It's a Proletariat Christmas Manifesto!

2011-01-05T19:47:00.003-05:00

About a quarter mile from my apartment, there is a "Revolutionary Bookstore." For those who may not know what that is, let's just say most of the book titles end in the word "Manifesto." The two titles currently on display in the window are "The Anti-American Manifesto" and "A New Society Manifesto."

Being a manifesto sympathizer,* I have wanted to go into this bookstore ever since we moved to Chicago, but I never feel like I'm dressed appropriately. I think to be comfortable I'll need to go a month without showering (which sounds like another good experiment for A.J. Jacobs and his poor wife). Then it is just a matter of assembling a more intimidating wardrobe.

Anyway, I was walking by the store a few days ago and surprised to find it all dolled up with Christmas decorations. I mean, there was a wreath, a tree, and what appeared to be a manger - though that may have simply been a proletariat book stand.

I found this hilarious. It took me back to the good olde Marxist Christmas celebrations of my youth.** Maybe I'm just naive, but this totally blew my expected perceptions of the revolutionary bookstore away. I think I would more expect an anti-Christmas manifesto - something along the lines of Santa representing the oppressive Bourgeoisie attempting to control the means and mode of production and the elves with wage slavery. Instead, I find the words "Merry Christmas" in quaint paper cut-outs hanging from the ceiling. It really is a wonderful life.

I hope you all indeed had a Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.

*I hope Dick Cheney doesn't get my blog black-listed.

**Again, please do not blacklist me or my blog.

Chicago Public Library: Fail

2010-12-23T18:06:00.010-05:00

I just failed to check out a book for the fourth time. As it turns out, the Chicago Library system (or at least the West Town branch) is not quite up to par with any other libraries I have ever patronized (Grand Rapids library: great; Holland library: fantastic; Wilsonville library: amazing [my mom works there! LUV U MOM!]). All I want to do is read the new Oliver Sacks book that I put on hold over a month ago. I just got back from my fourth failed attempt to simply check out my book.

How do you fail to check out a book four times, you ask? Well, let me break it down for you.

Attempt #1

I went in and grabbed the book from the hold shelf, took it to the counter and handed my card to the librarian (who gave me a look that said, "I don't like my job, and I don't like people, and I don't like you)".

Librarian: You can't check this out, you have a $2.40 fine on an overdue book.

Dan: Oh, can I check out the book if I pay the fine?

Librarian: Yes.

Dan: (takes a twenty out of wallet) Here you go.

Librarian: No.

Dan: Excuse me?

Librarian: No.

(I should add that the manner and tone of the librarian is quite abrupt and rude.) At this point I am speechless and simply stare blankly at the Librarian. She sighs deeply and with great annoyance walks over to the cash register, opens the drawer, ruffles around paper money, sighs again, and walks back to me.

Librarian: No.

Dan: Do you mean that you can't change a twenty?

Librarian: No.

(I assumed that "no" meant "yes")

Dan: Oh.

We stare at each other for a good ten seconds, like it was an uncomfortable game of chicken (come to think of it, chicken is rarely a game of great comfort). Then, seeing that she was a great immovable curmudgeon, I walk away more perplexed than annoyed.

Attempt #2

Remember when the librarian #2 took my library card during attempt #1? Well, she neglected to give it back. Thus, when I went in the following day (with exact change mind you), I was surprised to find no card in my wallet. I asked the librarian if I may have left it there. She opened a drawer and moved some post-it note pads around. "No." I left again, thinking I must've taken it out of my wallet at home to put the newest David Sedaris book on hold.

Attempt #3

I walk up to the librarian #2 - who looks put out and irritated by the stack of books on the counter (note: if books irritate you unreasonably, maybe librarian shouldn't be your profession of choice) - and I announce that either I left my card there or lost it and needed a new one. She looks around a bit and finds my card. I am about to let out a "huzzah" when she informs me that they immediately expire cards that are left behind and my card is no good.

Dan: Fine, can I please get a new card?

Librarian: You need something with your name and address on it. Do you have anything?

Dan: No.

Librarian: Then you can't get a card.

Dan: Can I at least pay my late fees and renew the over-due book?

Librarian: We can't do that without a card.

I resort back to my tactic of an uncomfortable chicken-style stare-off. But this time I prevail! She temporarily un-expires my card to let me pay the fines and renew the books, but I can not check out the Oliver Sacks book and she expires the card again. I will try again tomorrow.

Attempt #4

This is my last chance. My hold on the book expires today. I walk in the door, driver's license and apartment rental lease in hand. By this point the librarian recognizes me.

Librarian: Are you here for a new card?

Dan: Yes. Here is my ID and lease.

Librarian: I can't use this, it needs to be a post-marked piece of mail.

Dan: But this is what I used to get my card originally! (Which is true.)

Librarian: Well, then you shouldn't have got it.

At this point I am beyond annoyed and simply walk away from the desk. "Effing ridiculous" I mutter as I walk away, dejected and pitiful. (Except I didn't say "effing")

And thus concludes the sad tale of my misadventures with the West Town branch of the Chicago Public Library. Oliver Sacks has been put back into circulation and I will have to restart at the bottom of the hold list (unless one of my dearly beloved readers would like to buy me the book as a late Christmas present). I will try again on Monday and, so help me God, I will get that library card or die trying.

She is me as I are we as you are she and we are all together.

2010-10-20T09:26:00.009-05:00

OMG ya'll! I had the great privilege of interviewing a bright rising star of the GOP, Christine O'Donnell! ("Bright Morning Star of the GOP" is also rumored to be her old coven's code-name.)

(if you have not seen Christine O'Donnell's latest campaign commercial, the following will make less sense, check it out here before reading below.)

Christine O'Donnell: "I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you."

Dan: "You're me?!"

Christine O'Donnell: "I'm you."

Dan: "You are totally blowing my mind right now. I love it when politicians talk metaphysics and Eastern Philosophy."

Christine O'Donnell: "I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do."

Dan: "If I went to Washington, I would visit the Smithsonian Air and Space museum... are you going to visit the Smithsonian Air and Space museum?"

Christine O'Donnell: "I'm not a witch"

Dan: "I know that... you're me (I would be a warlock anyway)... But what is with all the smoke billowing out from
behind you in your commercial?"

(pause)

Christine O'Donnell: "I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I approve this message. I'm you."

Dan: "I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I also approve this message. I'm her. I'm also the walrus."

Driveby Hooting

2010-08-10T18:28:00.002-05:00

I was walking home today and stopped at a crosswalk on one of Grand Rapids' main roads (for those of you who don't know Grand Rapids, there are three). Suddenly, a car full of women (of ages unknown) started hollering at me and one yelled, "you're hot!" and then they sped by.

I hollered, "Thank you very much, maybe we could hang out sometime..."

But I'm pretty sure that all they heard was, "Tha..."

Then I thought, "So this is my reward for losing 60 pounds and getting in shape: anonymous women whooping like cranes in my general direction. $%*&, if I'd have known I had that to look forward to, I would have lost the weight years ago."

Go figure, just another case of women treating men as though they were just eye candy. Hello, whooping crane ladies, I have a personality too! Sure my personality is nothing to get excited about, but I am more than just a sultry lips on a sexy torso with sexy arms and legs that go from here all the way to there! I mean, I know I'm freakin' hot, but there is also a bland, uninteresting person beneath this sensual figure.

Then I looked at myself and realized, "you're hot" was probably just a commentary on my shirt that had sweat marks on the belly that resembled the jowled face of Richard Nixon. (Is it jowled or bejowled? Because I like bejowled better.)

I Wish Someone Would Bend My Air At Last

2010-07-05T19:58:00.004-05:00

So I really wanted to see "The Last Airbender." Even though M. Night Shyalamalahan seems to have peaked some time ago, I have a soft spot in my heart for his fanciful tales of adventure untold. Of course, I pretend to be a movie snob on most days, but I have no integrity and like the occasional mindless entertainment (stay tuned for another post about my superb lack of integrity).

Anyway, the reviews for this movie have been terrible. Metacritic tallied its score at a whopping 20; to put that into perspective, "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" got 21. M. Night Shalamanahan went up against Larry the Cable Guy and lost!

Yet, having no integrity, I was determined to find a good review for what I'm sure will be a disappointing movie. Then, I came across this wonderful gem and regained some of my hope:

Collin M. gave it a10:
The movie was varry cool because it has the first episode and then at the end he fights the fire lord I say it is vary intreating so I would give it an 8.

Thank you, Collin! You almost allowed me to retain the illusion of integrity with this smashing (and somewhat coherent) review. Of course, there are a few problems here. First, which is it, an 8 or a 10? Second, spell check. I'm not even sure if you spelled your own name correctly for heaven's sake!

The saddest part of this whole thing is that now I will have to wait until this movie is streaming free on Netflix and I am home sick before I will allow myself to watch it.

A little teaser (or warning): In the next blog post, Dan may appear half naked... I'll let you guess which half.

I'm all for tolerance, but...

2010-06-29T12:48:00.014-05:00

Why do people always feel the need to tell me how tolerant they are before they make incredibly intolerant statements? E.g.:

"You know, I'm all for religious freedom, but I think Mosques should be outlawed in America, we're at war!

or:

"You know, I'm all for tolerance, but gays shouldn't be allow to march down tax-payer funded streets in their parades, they need to build their own roads."

or:

"You know, I'm all for feminism, but I don't think women should have the right to vote or make as much as men."

But then - upon making one such absurd self-refuting statement - I realized why people do this. It is simply a thrill to be a walking, talking contradiction. I mean it is an adrenaline rush akin to skinny dipping in a public pool (I may have said too much).

So now, when I go on facebook and find these statements in peoples' statuses (or worse, when I make the grave mistake of reading the comments), rather than getting upset, I join in the fun:

"You know, I'm all for political freedom, but I think conservatives should be shot out of a cannon into the Marianas Trench."

It is a blast. Go ahead, try it. Create your own below:

You know Dan, I'm all for tolerance, but... [insert your own incredible, incredibly intolerant statement here]

Dan's Letter to Art Garfunkel

2010-06-22T20:07:00.005-05:00

Dear Art Garfunkel (Arty),

I couldn't help but notice you the other day when we walked by each other on the waterfront. I'm sure you also noticed me (I am, after all, pretty big stuff around here) and probably thought to yourself, "I have check out Dan's blog." Well surprise, this post is for you.

Let me first say that I am a big admirerer of yours. Not your solo stuff, mind you - that crap was GD awful (and who goes from partnering with Paul Simon to partnering with Amy Grant... that seems like a leap in the wrong direction). Your voice is on some of the greatest songs of all time. I realize these songs were all written by Paul Simon. Nonetheless, you have a very pleasant falsetto and I commend you for that.

But I digress. My reason for writting is much more routine. What I want to say is this: "Get a hair-cut you hippy freak! That haircut scares children and puppies and it scares me even more. On behalf of all humanity, please, please fix it.

Yours truly and very sincerely,

Dan

p.s. Arty, if you were "googling" yourself and actually read this, please don't take it to heart. Amy Grant... you might want to take this to heart. (On a side-note: click here to sign the Focus on the Family petition to make googling yourself illegal.)

Onward Christian Soldiers Marching As To Kill

2010-04-02T17:04:00.006-05:00

Recently, a group of nine "Christian Soldiers" from northern MI were arrested for conspiring to assassinate law enforcement officials. The group believes that by inciting this violence they would quicken the coming Rapture and Tribulation (Jesus is just taking way too long).

To see if their plot was in any way successful, I headed on over to check the good ol' Rapture Index (the "Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity") at Raptureready.com. Sure enough, it looks like the Rapture should be happening really soon - "Fasten your seat belt."

The index is divided into different indicator of the Rapture's imminence, these indicators including inflation, beast government, Gog (Russia), drug abuse, oil supply, and interest rates. Together, they give you an accurate indication of how quickly the rapture will be upon us. Here is the highlight of today's Index (and I quote):

"Anti-Christian: Attacks aimed at beleivers gas increased."

OMG! People are attacking "beleivers gas"!!! It truly is the end of days!

First off, please spell check. Second, What?!?

Also, I read an article about What Jesus Would Do about the Health Care Bill. To sum up: Jesus would never enter into any discussion about what the government should or should not do about private insurance and this sort of thing. And also, Jesus is totally against government interference in health care because Health Care murders babies and other people. Also, Jesus would pray for Obama - the anti-Christ who is a Christian, but only ironically - to come to Christ. Bravo Rapture Ready, Bravo!

How the News Is Made

2010-03-03T18:17:00.001-05:00

Albeniz's "Mallorca" by Shani Inbar

2010-02-15T11:55:00.002-05:00

I don't know if anyone who reads this blog is a fan of classical guitar. But regardless of whether you know a lot or nothing about it, this is a wonderful and moving performance of one of my favorite pieces.

Don't Take the "Christ" out of ValCHRISTentine's Day

2010-02-08T19:07:00.006-05:00

This is an actual conversation I had with a very nice woman this past Sunday. She is one of the sweetest people I know, but the conversation was almost as disturbing as the guy who wanted me to incorporate a Jewish midget rapper into a church play as Zaccheus (if you've blocked that from your memory, you can refresh yourself here).

Anonymous woman: So Dan, are we going to be doing any good valentines days songs at church next week?

Dan (thinking that was a joke): Oh yeah, "puppy love," "wonderful tonight..." we got all the good ones.

Woman (taken aback, possibly offended): No, I mean like love songs from God.

(Dan tries to regain his composure and gives a look that says, "tell me more")

Woman: I've always wanted to have a service with a "Valentine's Day Card from God" theme.

Dan: Oh... well, I'd be happy to take any song suggestions.

Woman: I'll put a compilation cd in your mail-box. I just think we have to recognize Valentine's Day in the church.

Dan: ... have a good afternoon.

Do Yourself a Favour and Watch This

2009-12-22T16:20:00.006-05:00

This is a great music video for a great song by a great band.

I hope you think it's great.

But For You Who Fear My Name

2009-12-17T12:53:00.002-05:00

This is a song by The Welcome Wagon. I have paired it with a couple videos of calves skipping about, which is adorable.

But for you who fear my name,

the sun of righteousness will rise

with healing in his wings.

And you shall go forth again,

skip about like calves

coming from their stalls at last.

You shall be my very own

on the day that I

cause you to be my special home.

I shall spare you as a man,

as compassion on his son

who does the best he can.

Kids Say the Dumbest Stuff

2009-11-17T16:17:00.000-05:00

Here is a conversation I overheard between a child and her mother:

Child: mommy, is God real?

Woman: yes dear.

Child: And he lives in my heart right?

Woman: yes, he does.

Child: Well, I hope he's ok, because I don't know how to get in there to visit him.

Woman: I'm sure he'll be fine.

God Moves In Mysterious Ways at the Laundromat

2009-11-13T10:42:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I was at the laundromat (my favorite place to be) getting ready to tranfer clothes from washer to dryer, when a frantic woman came running in. She ran up to the attendant.

Woman: "Are you ok?!?!?"

Attendant: "huh?"

Woman: "Are you ok?!?!?"

Attendant: "yeah... I'm fine."

Woman: "Are you sure?!?!?"

Attendant: "Yeah. Why?"

Woman: "God told me to get over here right away because you were in danger."

Attendant: "oh... no, I'm fine."

Woman: "I don't know, I was just sitting at home and the voice of God came to me and told me that you were in danger."

Attendant: "umm... no, I'm fine."

Woman: "oh... alright. Well, how's it's going?"

Attendant: "Good."

Woman: "Good."

Attendant: "Yeah. How are you."

Woman: "I'm fine, thanks."
Attendant: "Good."
Woman: "huh... maybe something will happen to you later..."

And they went on talking like nothing had happened.

Here is a picture.

My Erotic Chocolate Adventure

2009-11-04T10:36:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago, the church that I'm a member of (which is not the church I am employed at) had a canned food drive. A week later they had a group sort the cans and remove the UPC labels. As we separated all the corn from the creamed corn from the cream of corn soup from the mixed vegetables (corn mixed with carrots), we came across a bottle of erotic body chocolate.

Ingredients: Chocolate, you, and a partner.

Directions: 1) Open jar; 2) spread on evocatively on self; 3) lay on bed; 4) softly tell partner, "Dessert's on me."

Elsewhere on the jar is also said, "Spread on a little or a lot of chocolate, depending on your guest's appetite."

Delicious.

All that sexy talk was enough to give some of the older women the vapors.

I think the funniest part of this is that, at some point, some young person from the youth group went to a strangers door and asked for cans for a can drive. This person agreed and graciously went into the cupboards to grab some cans and decided that maybe someone would enjoy erotic body chocolate.

The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen (thanks sccottt)

2009-10-05T20:38:00.003-05:00

For those of you who haven't seen the promotional commercials for Windows 7. You should check them out, they are unintentionally very funny. Windows came up with the brilliant idea that people will have Windows 7 launch parties where they gossip about all the latest and greatest improvements to the Windows franchise.

This is a version of one of those videos (the original is here). It just might be the funniest thing I have even seen.

This one is also funny (and cleaner for those of you who like to keep your entertainment G-rater).

Conspiracy Everywhere! And Me Without a Spoon.

2009-09-14T09:44:00.009-05:00

Last weekend, I was listening to "Science Friday" with Ira Flatow as usual (I love "Science Friday" with Ira Flato). The subject was influenza with a heavy dose of H1N1. Not the most riveting topic in my opinion, but I was faithful nonetheless and it paid off when a women called in with this delightful question, here is the transcript:

JEAN (Caller): Oh, hi. Yeah. This sounds very complex... And I wondered - what about these rumors that we'll be required to be vaccinated or else relocated to some kind of interment camp? And if they did have this, can you have a religious exemption or
something?
FLATOW: That must come in with the death panels rumor, somewhere.
(Soundbite of laughter)

The best part of this, in my opinion, is that she wasn't questioning the validity of this nutty rumor as much as whether she could "have a religious exemption or something?" I joined Flatow and his guest in a hearty, yet forlorn laugh.

The weird thing is that when I hear these inane conspiracy theories - Obama's death camps, health care reform is Nazism, Government internment camps for the unvaccinated - I try to understand them. I am curious as to what the women who asked Barney Frank why he supported Obama's Nazi policy really thinks (see video below). What is her thought process? Does she think that Hitler started out with getting the entire German population affordable health care and then casually move on to massive genocide? Do conservatives like Sarah Palin really believe that Stephen Hawking would be put to death if he lived in the U.K. (by the way, he does live in the U.K.)? If so, on what does she base this?

I really am always curious about the logic of these people's claim. I want to understand it. But I don't think that this is a proper response to such wild and baseless absurdities. I should probably just nod, smile, die a little inside, and move on, hoping that the fear and paranoia that fuels these lurid conspiracies will gradually subside in the absence of any supporting evidence. Of course, that is probably a hope that will constantly disappoint. Maybe I'll just get a bit more cynical.

For Your Consideration: A Poem

2009-09-11T18:23:00.004-05:00

Here is a piece of poetry that moved me. It was written by Charles Darwin's grand-daughter Francis Cornford.

To a Fat Lady Seen From the Train

O why do you walk through the fields in gloves,
Missing so much and so much?
O fat white woman whom nobody loves,
Why do you walk through the fields in gloves,
When the grass is soft as the breast of doves
And shivering sweet to the touch?
O why do you walk through the fields in gloves,
Missing so much and so much?

--by Frances Cornford (1886-1960)

(Thank you, A.J. Jacobs for apprising me of this gem.)

O fat white woman whom nobody loves,
Why do you walk through the fields in gloves?

Auto-tune the autocracy... hmm, this title could use some work

2009-09-10T07:58:00.002-05:00

This is hilarious. Let the world know.

p.s. special thanks to Mike for sending this to me.

Wha's Happenin'?

2009-09-02T08:21:00.007-05:00

Oh yeah, I have a blog. I forgot. (lie)

I think that the Olympic logo for Madrid is giving me the finger. (true)

I plan to start making my way through the Encyclopedia Britannica only to give up in the early to mid 'a's. (true)

Much has been happening here. (lie)

I am about to put out my first dance album ever. (true)

I went to my first heirloom tomato festival. (true)

The heirloom tomato festival was great. (false) (though the company was good... as was the fairly extensive discussion of vasectomies)

There is a pole dancing doll that is marketed to young girls, and this disturbs me. (true)

I am unsure whether this web log is worth posting. (true)

Dan's Interpretive Dance Tribute to Michael Jackson

2009-07-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

The Offensive Question

2009-06-14T18:31:00.005-05:00

This conversation happened in church this morning with a guy who was really a born youth leader (and for the sake of clarity, know that this is not the actual youth leader at my church).

Man: "Do you know any midgets who were born Jews but converted to Christianity later in life?"
Dan (startled and slightly offended by the content of the question): "... No... ?!"
Man: "Oh, well I'm writing this Christian rock Opera that I really want to do for church"
Dan: "And you need a Jewish convert who is a midget?"
Man: "Yeah. It's a play that walks through the life of Jesus, and the story is told mostly in song... The midget would play Zacchaeus. I already have his rap written."
Dan: "rap?"
Man: "Yeah. I always thought that it would be cool to see a midget rapping."
(Dan slowly edges away, pretending to have something important that requires immediate attention)

I really wish I was joking about this. But, that is exactly how it happened. And, worst of all, he was completely serious. He even sang me lyrics to some of the other songs he had written.

This is from the same guy who wanted to sing this song (an actual "song") on Super-bowl Sunday:

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life

End over end neither left nor to right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am

Make me a piece in your master game plan

Free from the earthly tempestion below
I’ve got the will, Lord if you’ve got the toe.

Lost Time

2009-06-03T09:03:00.003-05:00

The weirdest thing happened on my morning commute.

I was driving down chicago drive, listening to Erasure or Pet Shop Boys on the I-pod shuffle. Then I "woke up" a little more than 5 miles past my turn-off. I don't know how I got there. Those few minutes are actually a blank.

I got to work and typed "lost time" into the google machine and found this site about alien abduction.

"58 Possible Signs of Alien Abduction." Number one on the list, "lost time!" And it wasn't just number one on the list either. I also have a strong, and unexplained impulse to travel (#7). I am interested in ecology, the environment, and vegetarianism (#18). I am terrified of snakes, spiders, and heights (#26). I have seen both fog and haze (#36)! I occasionally get headaches in that special place (my head... #42). And this is only a small sampling!

All the signs fit. I can ignore it no longer. I am compelled to believe - beyond any reasonable doubt - that I have been abducted on multiple occasions.

Lydia says that she's seen how I get when I listen to Erasure and isn't surprised.

Classic Dan.

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

2009-06-03T08:45:00.004-05:00

When I walked into work this morning, I walked into a world of middle aged panic. The secretary informed me that her computer "blew up." The other women of the office were all congregated closely around the computer pushing buttons hoping that they would accidentally stumble across the secret, magic "make-computer-work-again" code that the programmers have hidden deep within the computer.

I excused myself to my desk, but after a few minutes of over-hearing their homespun solutions, I decided that I would go see if I could help (before they tried pouring robitussin on it). I checked the cables on the back and noticed that the computer was unplugged. Being a computer genius, I plugged it in. Amazingly, my stroke of brilliance saved the computer that had "blown up." I am now considered (and this is not a joke) as the computer wiz of my office.

The funny thing is that even after I plugged it in, they were still convinced that something else must have been wrong with the computer. One person actually thought that the computer unplugged itself or something, and said: "I think computers need to be unplugged and plugged back in every 30 days or something."

Classic Peg.

Getting Into Shape With Dan

2009-05-09T15:57:00.003-05:00

This is what happens when I listen to Mika. Lydia suggested I title this post, "Why My Wife Is Thinking Of Leaving Me." Mean.

Detektivbyrån

2009-05-04T13:36:00.002-05:00

I have been a fan of this group for a while now. But, I had always assumed that most of the music was made by keyboards, not performed live. Anyway, I was impressed by this video.

(If anyone is inspired to check out their album "Wermland", my favorite track is called, "Kärlekens Alla Färjor" which is Swiss for "Everybody, go to Karl's house!")

Ignoramus?

2009-04-26T20:32:00.001-05:00

For any of you who regularly watch the Daily Show, you have probably already seen this.

For everyone else... enjoy.

Ticking Clocks and Other Mysteries

2009-04-23T13:03:00.006-05:00

I am copy-writing the title to this blog. No stealing (I'm looking at you Coldplay... with your grandiose, pretentious, hipster album titles).

So, I am - as of a few weeks ago - the director of worship and music at a fairly large area church. I know what you're thinking... "did you really need to get your degrees to do that?!"... well, to everyone who is wondering about that... good question. I don't have an answer. Nonetheless, I am really enjoying the position so far. The church is incredibly friendly, and not in the cheesy, over-bearing kind of way. And, so far, I've really enjoyed working with the staff.

But, I digress. All of that is merely background to the focus of this blog. And that focus is: The Best of the Worst Hymn Titles (or lyrics). Here's the dilly-ilio: if you have a hymn title that you think is particularly awful, submit it in the comments section. Then, provided I get more than one response... we will vote on the Best of the Worst Hymn Titles.

To get started, here is my own submission. Flipping through the grey, CRC, psalter hymnal I came across one hymn that I am putting in the running for this contest. That song is titled, "These Are the Facts As We Have Received Them." This is a title that - I like to imagine - most pastors in the CRC would find stirring, provocative and counter-cultural.

Lydia suggested, "God the All-Terrible" from the blue, OPC, Trinity Hymnal. This one sounds a little bit like "Hagar the Horrible" to me.

Alright, the clock is ticking.

tick. tick. tick.

tick. tick.

tick.

100 and Counting

2009-03-31T09:42:00.004-05:00

Those of you who know me will know that I am a highly sentimental person. A person who cherishes each passing moment and reminisces often of a beautiful past. Even now, I am remembering a time I saw a paper bag dance in an updraft, back lit by the red brick walls that adorned my old stomping grounds. Surely that was the most beautiful trash bag to ever live and dance and feed.

All that has happened prior to this moment is prologue. For today, what I am writing will surely change history. Perhaps, though I am surely getting ahead of myself here, the next generation will see this moment as the defining moment of a new era. And perhaps they will change the calenders to reflect this wonderful moment. First, there was BC (or BCE). Then, there was AD (or CE). But today, there is the 2nd AD. This is the first day in the year of Dan.

But, I digress. The real purpose of this post, of this day, and of this moment in time: this is my 100th blog post.

As the creator, I remember well it's birth. Marcus said that he would buy me a Vanilla Latte if I started a blog (which incidentally, is also how Marcus got me onto Facebook [which I called "MyFace" for longer than I care to admit]). Straightaway - I was craving that caffeine - I knew what must be done, and I wrote out my philosophy of blogging; my blogosophy, if you will. The stars aligned, and the inspired words flowed through me posthaste and with great ease. And this act set into motion event which are too awesome to speak of here.

Before I knew it, this blog was a part of my life. We've had good times - like when we've taken the time to insult Answers in Genesis - and we've had bad times - when blogging has become monotonous and rote. But, through it all, I have learned many things. And that, my dear readers, is the greatest gift of all. Namaste and enjoy this commemorative video!

I want to notice chances I’ve passed without notice. I want to see details previously veiled. I want to grab that chance, carry it home so I can marry and know that I noticed every chance that I could have passed without notice. I saw details that to all were veiled. And I grabbed those chances, carried them home. And then I’ll have had it with roaming. I came to this world with nothing and I'll leave with nothing but love. Everything else is just borrowed.

Ice Cream Socialists and the Franz Kafka International Airport

2009-03-25T19:43:00.003-05:00

I was reading a lot of Franz Kafka (and Poe) when I wrote many of the darker, more cryptic Ice Cream Socialist songs. So, I thought it was a fun coincidence to find this Onion report on the Franz Kafka International Airport. This is hilarious.

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

The Ice Cream Socialists

2009-03-25T06:40:00.006-05:00

For those of you who do not faithfully read my facebook status, I would like to informally announce the launch of The Ice Cream Socialists' website. The Ice Cream Socialists is a band that Marcus and I formed in 2004 for no apparent reason. Since then, we have recorded a lot of music. Most of those recordings have sat dormant on my computer for the past five years. I recently decided that I would make most of these recordings available for anyone who would like to download them. Thus, The Ice Cream Socialists are now online. Click here or on the picture to be tranferred to the website.

La Planète Des Singes.

2009-03-11T09:49:00.004-05:00

The War Begins.

It has been coming for a long time. Charlton Heston warned us all the back in the 60's, but "you maniacs" wouldn't listen. But now, the apes have arisen.

According the Guardian,* a 31-year-old chimpanzee named Santino has declared war on tourists who disturb his humble abode at the Furuvik zoo in Sweden. Santino has been stock-piling ammunition and using his stock to assault innocent tourist. People who had gone to the zoo to admire the cute and innocent chimp have found him less endearing when he began to hurl projectiles at their gawking faces.

Scientists say that Santino - by stockpiling ammunition in a calm state for future use against an adversary - has become the first animal to clearly exhibit the ability to plan for the future, a behaviour previously thought to be unique to humans. "Forward planning," they say, "takes considerable cognitive skills, because it requires an animal to envisage future events it will have to deal with."

Is this the first in a line of super-intelligent chimps working to enslave the human race? In this blogger's opinion, almost certainly yes. It is only a matter of time until the chimps learn to give dissenting human full frontal lobotomies. Then the transition of power will be complete.
In other news, Matthew won my previous contest and will be a featured character in my full-feature film "The Importance of Being an Earnest Vampire." Congratulations Matt, this is indubitably the greatest moment of your life. Your life and conscience have been altered irrevocably. This is the first day of the rest of your life.

*to read the full story, click here.

Snakes on a Plane, the Musical: Terror at 30,000 ft. The World's Greatest Guitar Player Ever. Theology Vs. Jesus.

2009-03-02T09:21:00.011-05:00

Recently, Lydia and I flew out to Oregon to attend my grandmother's funeral. The trip went well - given the circumstances - and we were glad to get the opportunity to see family.

The trip was largely uneventful, save for two strange flights. On our flight out, the flight crew was some sort of musical theater/comedy troupe of sisters (actual sisters), who - I am guessing - took up flight attending to get them through the recession. Everything was a song. The safety announcements were put into rhyme and sung (isn't there a law against that). When we landed in Portland, OR - the best city in the United States - the flight crew came on the loud speaker and said, "we've just touched down in Hawaii... just kidding, everyone." ha. funny. It was weird.

On the flight home, Lydia and I had the privilege of sitting in front of a celebrity. He was the guitar player for one of the greatest bands in the world... Kutless. (For those of you that don't know, Kutless is a truly terrible Christian hard rock band). And, he was full of himself, bragging endlessly and loudly about the 5,000 person crowds he would attract. I think the best part was when he said, and I quote, "God just really blessed me, and I had the chance to learn from one of the best guitar players in the world." His seatmate took the bait and followed up. "Who?" "Mark Stuart," he said. The seatmate fell silent. "He is the main guitar player for Audio Adrenaline... yeah, he's one of the world's best rated guitar players." At this claim, Lydia and I began to laugh and had to pretend that we were laughing at something else (like our flight attendants).
On another note, I love how easily Christians who claim to be committed to Biblical infallibility or inerrancy can dismiss theology that they disagree with, even when it happens to be directly from the Bible or the lips of Jesus. (Of course, this is not a problem among persons who don't accept infallibility and can therefore be honest with what it says). Yesterday, I heard a classic example of this at the church I'm temporarily working at. The pastor read from Matthew 6:14-15, where Jesus says:

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

"It almost sounds like," the pastor said with wonderment in his voice, "Jesus is setting our forgiveness of others as a condition for his forgiveness of us." (This is of course, exactly what the passage says.) "Of course," he continued, "we know that this couldn't be what it means, because then Jesus would be teaching works righteousness, which couldn't be."

Yes!

Stringent Reformed Theology: 1.

Jesus: 0.

Tough luck, Jesus. Your move.

It has been an eventful few weeks. I have at least two more blogs worth of stuff to post, but, for the sake of everyone, I will stop now.

19th Century English Aristocracy: The Bed-time Stories Your Mom Wouldn't Tell You.

2009-02-19T11:08:00.005-05:00

Two of these stories are real - to be released in movie or novel format - and two are fake plots of my own invention. Without cheating by doing a google search, try to distinguish between the real plots of upcoming releases and the forgeries. The first one to guess right gets the staring role in my fake movie/novel.

Senseless Carnage and Sensibility. It's like the Jane Austen, but updated for the modern viewer, i.e., with limitless carnage. It has the same basic plot, except that in this version, when Mr. Dashwood leaves his estate to John, the sisters vow to take their revenge. Senseless carnage ensues.

Pride and Predator. This is fairly self explanatory. Basically, an alien crash lands on earth and starts to kill everyone. The twist is that it happens in the upper echelon of early 19th century England. Typical Hollywood thriller, but this time with period precise costumes.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Subtitled, "The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem." This one stays closer to the original Pride and Prejudice plot, but now, with a more appropriate level of Zombie cannibalism. Instead of attending galas and balls, the heroine is a Zombie slaying warrior. When Mr. Darcy shows up, the plot takes the romantic turn as the couple becomes an 18th century version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

The Importance of Being an Earnest Vampire. This is basically a mix of the absurd Oscar Wilde wit and the plot of Twilight. The tag-line is based on an actual Oscar Wilde quote: "The only way to get rid of violent temptations is to yield to them..."

Begin your guessing... starting now.

p.s. One of these real movie plots is actually going to be produced by Elton John.

Brian Wilson On The Theremin.

2009-02-09T10:17:00.008-05:00

Last night, Lydia and I watched a documentary titled "Theremin: An Electronic Odyssey". It was a history of the worlds first electronic instrument and its inventor, Leonard Theremin. It was fairly interesting, but the highlight of the movie was the interview with Brian Wilson, who had helped to popularize the instrument in the Beach Boys' hit "Good Vibrations". Here is a transcript of what I thought was the most interesting part of the interview. I am told that it makes sense if you are on drugs while you listen to it.

This is what Brian Wilson said when asked about his use of the theremin on the hit Beach Boys' song "Good Vibrations."

Well, because I thought to myself, you know, "I'm pickin' up good vibrations." And I thought, the cello was goin', ya know, "du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-duh." Kinda... and I said, "As long as we're doing something eerie today, why not get real eerie and put a theremin on it?"

And at the high ya need is like a, ya know, "Aw-ah-aw."

Now a Theremin, when we got the theremin on there, we got it on there so that the people could understand the theremin in finite terms, in finite musical terms; in exact terms. I'm not talkin' about a... well, you know what I mean. In terms of written music, but in a sense, it had an unwritten sound to it... it didn't sound really written. And what would y... "Good Vibrations" is probably the - of all the Beach Boys records - is probably the best combination of instruments.

The most unique way of taking conventional instruments that had only been associated with adults, ya know? And children, 21 year old children, nine... 25 year old children too, ya know?! I mean children, ya know, children. Children of God! Children of God are in their twenties, you know what I mean, they are in their twenties. They are 20 year olds. And they are not really rapidly approaching 30. Right in there in like mid-25... 26 year old people, ya know, year old children. Young adults... not quite adults really, but flamboyant. A little bit, a little bit... what do you call it... whimsical. Whimsical personalities and whimsical sense of human... a whimsical sense of... the word... the situation with "Good Vibrations."

I don't think it was a funny record. It didn't make me laugh, ya know. It made me cry, because I had seen. I had seen the ide... I had s... at once made... sure that I had it grasped, the idea that when you take classical instruments and place them in the rock-n-roll environment, you have refined music. You have rock-n-roll brought to a height. A really... and ya know... now that's a really funny thing, nobody ever really called "Good Vibrations" a rock-n-roll record. It was a rock-n-roll record! It rocked! ya know? It really rocked.

The Laundromat Confessions, part 1. And Kathi And Dilberk, part 1.

2009-01-26T14:43:00.005-05:00

Whenever I go to the laundromat, I am always amused by the number of people who break into conversation with the proprietor or with one another. Sure, she is a friendly woman, but I'm not one to converse extensively with a relative stranger. (I'd rather let Will Shortz be my companion, my guide, and my first mate.) Yet, these types apparently abound outside my circles; people who apparently go to the laundromat for the social networking as well as the clothes cleaning.

Anyway, I always hear interesting things. People brokering business deals, personal confessions, and a healthy dose of eccentrics.

Today, this is what I heard.

Woman 1: "I think I might be colorblind, because I can't tell the difference between black and blue."
Woman 2 (who was apparently a photographer): "Oh, you're not color blind. Do you know why that is? It's because - scientifically speaking - blue is actually darker than black."
Woman 1: "Really? That's interesting."
Woman 2: "Yup. You're not color blind. If anything, you might actually see better than most people."

Priceless.

Most of you probably don't know this about me, but I have written many spoof Cathy comics over the years. I find the comic so repulsive, that it has become irresistible to me. Anyway, this is my latest effort. Enjoy...

OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-20T11:12:00.003-05:00

I am as giddy as a baby in a johnny jump around!

The Righteous Run And Are Faithful... when it comes to their workout routine that is.

2009-01-14T11:18:00.009-05:00

Yesterday, CCM released their first cd of the new year, titled "Run and Worship." It is a compilation of worship songs with a peppy tempo and a quick step. The cd is exactly 45 minutes in oder for you to time your workout effectively through the course of the cd.

Here is the actual product description:

"A collection of the best worship music from today's best-known Christian artists specifically designed for runners. With songs for the warmup, the workout, and the cool-down (hopefully not the melt-down)... Also included in the packaging are inspirational Bible verses providing encouragement to `run the race' to the finish."

Now, as someone who appreciates a good Gaia yoga video, or pilates workout, or those that use the big, fun, bouncy ball and flexy-band, I have to say that I definitely feel the need to combine exercises and worship. My biggest frustration with these programs that the instructor don't mention God enough, or misemploy inspirational scripture passages for the benefit of the sweat. When the instructors tell me that I should be feeling a burn in my upper thighs, I want that spiced up with a Toby Mac rap from his song titled "Burn For You,"

"I'm a brand new man in a foreign land, I'm a man who's feelin' that fire... I want the world to know I burn for you."

And when we are to stretch it out, Toby Mac continues,

"I'm energized again... like the bunny on the screen feel so energize... No more shortness of breath, new pace."

Now that is what I call exercisalation... or workshippin' it out!

Or perhaps this wonderful and perfectly applicable verse from Proverbs 18:

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous RUN to it and are safe."

Or this one from 1 Samuel 19:

"If you don't run for your life... you will be killed."

That'll get you movin'. Or from 2 Samuel 18:

"Come what may, I want to run."

Or these words from the prophet Isaiah, who was certainly hale and hearty, i.e., six-pack:

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength... they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So start runnin', oh righteous ones!

But, don't take my word for it, here are some actual reviews taken from iTunes:

lulu48 gave the album five stars and said:

"awesome... honestly when i run, i do it for christ and he brings me to the finish line for everything! i think this is an amazing album/mix of songs and it just makes you feel good inside!"

.sarah.m. gave the album four stars and said:

"great... This is a great album. Plus, I have most of the songs already. But, I think it's a great title to call, and it has some really good artists."

I couldn't agree more Sarah, it certainly is a great title to call.

The point is, if you feel like you exercise routine is not quite a holy as it should be, spiritualize it!

Three Love Letters

2009-01-13T09:02:00.005-05:00

Warning: this blog post may be a bit weirder than I intended. I debated whether to post it or not. I suppose you know the outcome of my internal debate.

Jonathan K,

You don't know me and I don't know you. And yet, my affection for you is blossoming like a cherry tree in spring-time. For you, dear sir, though you have not literally saved my live, have come fairly close. Specifically, your google app, "Forgotten Attachment Detector"* has helped to prevent catastrophe time and time again. For oft have my emails claimed, "I have attached to this email," or "see attachment" and lo, there is no attachment for I have forgotten to attach said attachment. Then, I realize that I have sent an email that was supposed to have an attachment without the attachment attached. NO MORE!!! For your application scours my draft to discover if I have made allusion to an attachment, yet forgotten to attach the attachment. And if this be the case, you let me know. Your pop-up is sweeter than honey, than honey from the honeycomb. "It seems that you might have forgotten to attach attachments," it says, "Send this message without attachments?" And I am saved! Saved! Saved from the humiliation of a forgotten attachment. Saved! And thus, Jonathan, I send you an emoticon of my feelings towards you. ;-) (wink face)

Rufus Wainwright,

Your concert was astounding. I was so thrilled when you came out for the second encore and played "Poses." I decided then and there that I would like for you to be my baby mama. I talked it over with Lydia and she agrees entirely.

Doogie Howser,

I never watched your show, but this made me laugh. Thank you.

*to activate this application for yourself, open Gmail, click "settings", then "labs" and scroll down until you see this blessed application.

The Most Traumatic Haircut of My Life

2009-01-02T10:11:00.007-05:00

First off, let me assure you that I, like most of you I'm sure, don't much care for haircut stories... Unless they are filled with great music and disturbing violence like Sweeney Todd. But I believe I just experienced a real life Sweeney Todd story.

I just returned from the most traumatic haircut of my life. First, the barber kept insisted that I cut off my side-burns. I said no. She persisted, saying, "I just think they look so awful." I reiterated, "I am not going to cut them." She said, "at least let me take them up to the middle of your ear." I said no. Then we got back to somewhat pleasant conversation about how we spent our New Years, though she kept bringing up a strip-club - or girly club, as she alternately called it - that apparently had a shooting. I don't think I've heard a barber talk quite so much about strip clubs before. I'm not sure, but it may have violated barber etiquette.

Then, when my haircut was done, she decided she would tell me her secret for how to straighten short hair, as she decided that my hair was too curly. Her method - which she played out on my freshly shorn head - was as follows:

Get the hair really wet ("at home, what you'll need to do is to shake your head after you get out of the shower, but don't towel dry it!")
Kneading a handful of gel deep into the root (seriously, I felt like my head was bread dough and that she was an anger chef)
Yank all the hair back to a point in the back of your head
Wait 20 minutes (we only waited about 5 minutes, since she was "in a hurry")
Blow dry the hair while jerking it straight (after this your hair should look like you've been conducting a great deal of electricity)
Then finally styling it as normal (If you've followed all the steps correctly, this step should prove impossible)

In the end, I looked like a freakin' chia pet. My hair is soooo poofy. It looks like my hair has rejected me and is attempting to flee. My hair resting a good two inches off of my scalp. Given that I already have a large head, this is not a good look for me. My head is completely out of proportion to my body. I think I could have saved myself the time and rolled out of bed and rubbed a balloon on my head for 45 minutes. Anyway, here's a picture of my new look.
By way of summary, let me just say that my head hurts.

Fun Fact of the Week: Did you know that there are no poisonous snakes in Maine?

Happy New Year To All!!! Especially Sasha Fierce and this guy

2009-01-01T15:39:00.002-05:00

Lydia and I were flipping through the channels the other day and came across this. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Its Always Sarah Palin Season

2008-12-23T10:51:00.006-05:00

Yes, I am well aware that Sarah Palin season is over. I know that this joke is well past its expiration date. Nonetheless, this picture helped me get through a difficult time of election withdrawal. I am just not one of those people who can quit my election habit cold-turkey. I need to detoxify gradually. This is one of the aids I have used to assist in my transition to sobriety.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all have a peaceful holiday, free of anxiety and troubles.

As for Lydia and I, I think we might celebrate by turning our heat up to 65 degree for the day. (Typically, we keep the heat low and are dressed like this).

Christmas Folklore from Around the World, Shake Your Booty, and Quiz #2

2008-12-18T10:58:00.010-05:00

In the past few weeks, I have heard several other interesting versions of the Santa Clause folklore. Note: The versions of the stories seem to vary widely, so I apologize if I am wildly off-base.

In the Netherlands, Sinter Klaas - who lives in Spain - sets sail on the 6th of December, travelling with six to eight black men, and his trusted horse. If children are good, he leaves them with many gifts. Bad children however, are stuffed into pillow-cases and kidnapped, never to be heard from again. Now that is what I call incentive to be good. After all, you could still burn coal for bodily warmth. (Some versions of the story place the condition for gift-giving on whether hay is left for Sinter Klaas' horse.)*

In Iceland, thirteen yule lads - Stiff-Legs, Gully Gawk, Shorty, Ladle Licker, Pot Scraper, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Skyr Gobbler, Sausage Snatcher, Window Peeper, Sniffer, Meat Hook or Candle Beggar - take their turn scaring children, as well as leaving gifts for the good ones. They steal candles, eat sausage,scrape pots, and slams doors, terrifying the children nestled in their beds. But, all this is worth it to wake up to the presents the yule lad has left in their little shoes (though in older legends they were vicious trolls without much of a good side).

Probably disturbed by other portraits of Santa (one who will kidnap children, steal items, or slam doors), Norway replaces Santa with two gnomes (it should be noted that this theory is wildly anachronistic). This removes Santa's good/evil split personality so this jolly figure isn't so terrifying. Nisse is a a gnome who guards all the farm animals, but will play mean tricks on children if they don't leave him porridge on Christmas Eve. Though in older legends, Julebukk was something of a devil figure, in modern times he was re-cast as a noble, goat-like creature who shows up on Christmas Eve to give gifts to all the good girls and boys.**

Babouscka is a sad tale of a woman who missed the birth of the Christ-child due to frightful weather. She now wanders around, searching for the child in every home. On Christmas Eve, she travels through Poland, shining a light on the children's faces. "Where does he lie?" she whispers. And the children reply, "Farther on, Babouscka, farther on." And she departs, leaving a gift for each little child.

There is a child in the coffee shop who keeps shouting. And though normally this would annoy me greatly, she is shouting some funny smack. She just shouted, "shake your booty, shake your butt, shake you booty, booty, booty."

1 point to Marcus for his correct answer in the last "stupid/offensive things Christian leaders have said" quiz. Pat Robertson was the culprit.

For this week's quiz, who said:

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.”

Was it:
a) James Dobson
b) Jerry Falwell
c) Pat Robertson
d) Rick Warren

*There is a hilarious version of this in David Sedaris' "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim."
**Most of this was lifted from an interview I heard on NPR with the Norwegian vocal group, Trio Mediæval.

Open Source Initiative = Socialist = The Great Satan

2008-12-16T11:33:00.017-05:00

"I dressed in black the day following the election of Barack Obama as I viewed this as another nail in the coffin of American Democracy and Capitalism as we slowly slide towards European Socialism."

So, this isn't a direct quote, but I have heard and read this and similar sentiments several times since the election and it always amuses me. I guess I'm particularly amused first by the idea that Obama is a socialist - which is assuredly not the case - and second by the idea of Socialism as the great Satan (and capitalism as the Great Jesus).

I won't comment too much on this, except to say that I am eagerly awaiting the day when we will actually begin to join our European neighbors in civility. The free market is tenacious in its tendency to erode morality and culture to make way for the steady march of commercialism and consumerism. It is very clear that the market discourages self-regulation, opting instead to maximize profits for its shareholders (its only sworn duty), propagandize products and keep its evil and abuses out of the public consciousness.

The effectiveness of this approach is evidenced by the ignorance or apathy of the majority of Americans at the role they play in this. Mindless consumerism has made us all complicit in serious humanitarian abuse and slavery. Walmart (and a huge host of other stores for which Walmart is archetypal) couldn't exist in this irresponsible way without laissez-faire.

The other humorous part of that kind of statement has to do with the great deal of essentially socialists programs that are successful, and that most people wouldn't argue with: police, libraries, roads, and a whole host of other great government programs.

Another irony is that socialism is a logical extension of democracy and certainly not incompatible.

Of course, all of this is irrelevant as we all know that Plutocracy is God's recorded political stance (Num. 6:11). That was a good deal longer than I had intended it.Fun quiz of the week. Which prominent "Christian" leader (who I once put into my list of the anti-Christ Trinity) once said this:

Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

Was it:
a) James Dobson
b) Jerry Falwell
c) Pat Robertson
d) Rick Warren

NO CHEATING!

Tourism in Grand Rapids, America's Love of Science, and PETA

2008-12-11T10:20:00.007-05:00

If you ever come to Grand Rapids, there is something you need to see. Sure, you won't find it on the brochures, as its not a tourists trap (I'm looking at you Gerald Ford Museum), but it is the most exceptional site in this venerable city. Take 131 to the Leonard St. exit, and then turn to travel under the Leonard St. bridge. Look at the North-face wall of the bridge and you will see it. Wall graffiti in its purist form, starkly stating its candid evaluation of society with profound profundity. Its message is simple: "America = Science Dictatorship." I'll give you a moment to let that percolate.

(one more moment)

How discerning. How penetrating. How astute. How... how... how terribly mistaken. America is ruled by scientists like Paris Hilton is ruled by reason and common sense, which is to say, not at all. If anything, our society seems more inclined to recoil from science. I'm not going to go on a rant here, but America's reaction to science is like my reaction to any movie in which babies act like adults, which is to say, not positive. I don't really want to make a detailed argument at the moment, but I would like to say the phrase, "which is to say" once more. So, the majority of Americans rejecting evolution makes as much sense as conjugating a sentence spoken by Sarah Palin, which is to say, very little. (Yes, a post-election-season Sarah Palin joke! I'm keeping it alive.) Pictured: a wrecking ball - featured at the Creation "Museum" - smashing a church in the name of millions of years, i.e., evil.

On a more serious note, I was glad to read that Obama appointed Steven Chu - Nobel prize winning physicist - as Secretary of Energy. Perhaps Obama will heed the advice of the scientific community a bit better than the current administration.

In other news, PETA now sells coffins branded with a message, for those who would like to preach from beyond the grave. Their slogan is: "Go Out in Style With a PETA Coffin!" My personal favorite is the coffin this one.

Cognitive Dissonance, Bumper Sticker Logic, Lung Butter, Joe the Plumber, and Harry Truman. What do these things have in common? This blog post.

2008-12-10T10:12:00.007-05:00

I just drove by a car whose bumper stickers seemed odd to me. Let me tell you what they were and you see if you experience the same cognitive dissonance that I experienced.

Here they were:

"Jesus: the truth"
"One person can make a difference: Jesus"
"Jesus is the way to peace"
"If you love your enemies, pretty soon you won't have any"

And then this one:

"If you are going to burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first."

Maybe its just me, but that last one seems to break the theme of peace, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

In other news, I am having trouble concentrating as the man sitting across from me appears to be coughing up a fur ball, lung, tire, or a junk-load of mucus/phlegm... which-ever is funniest. It is so disgusting sounding that it actually made me dry heave and loose my appetite.

In other news, why is Joe the Plumber still in the news?! Say it ain't so, Joe! Please disappear into obscurity. (On a side note, I wonder if there are any other plumbers who happened to be named Joe? If so, I feel sorry for them.)

In other news, I just found out that Harry S. Truman didn't have a middle name. Sure, he was sworn in as "Harry S. Truman" anyway, but the "S" didn't stand for anything. I feel as though this cheapens everything. You just got demoted, Truman, I'm going to replace you in my personal presidential hall of fame with Chester A. Arthur (the A stands for Alan)!

And now, a new segment on this blog: the Fun Fact of the Week!!! Harry's middle name became S because his parents couldn't decide whether to name him after his paternal grandfather or maternal grandfather, both of whom had names beginning with S. Thus, the lazy parents decided to just leave it at S.

"Put Your Sweatpants On, We're Going Clubbin'..."

2008-12-05T09:42:00.010-05:00

Rarely do I find gun violence funny. Yet, I can't think of this whole Plaxico Burress business without laughing.*

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: "Don't walk into a trendy Manhattan nightclub wearing sweatpants" (I've yet to hear of the fashion trend of designer sweatpants for men). Not only this: Don't put your gun into your sweat-pants unless you have something stronger than an elastic band to hold up your 3 pound hand-gun. And, if you are going to put your gun in your sweatpants without any way to hold your pants up, don't keep the gun fully loaded with the safety off. And, if you do put your loaded gun with the safety off into your sweatpants, for God's sake, point it away from your man-business.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time. Of course, I've never said any of this... I think some things should be left to common sense.

Okay, here is what I think is the funniest about this whole incident. Of all of the absurd details that I would have found unbelievable if they happened in any movie, the one thing I can't get past is that Burress wore sweatpants to a hip Manhattan night club. Sweatpants?!? Come on.

Now, I'm no advocate of gun-control, except for the fact that I am an advocate of gun-control. Anyway, you'd think that we could at least require some basic gun safety training for people. Things like, "holster your gun safely, if you are carrying it on your person" or "if you are going to keep your gun loaded and on your person in a night-club, keep the safety on."

Never let it be said that I don't give a counter-point though. Here is the other perspective on this debate.
Then, load your gun, take off the safety, put it in your sweatpants (your pant of choice), walk into a trendy night-club, etc.

Reality is stranger than fiction... unless you're reading Franz Kafka...

*Yes, I know that the Daily Show and NPR and a whole host of other places have already made fun of this... but, it is just too good to let go.

Psst... Do Something (About the Vast Government Cover-up of the Aliens Living Among Us or [very far away])

2008-12-02T14:38:00.006-05:00

Have you ever gazed up into the vastness of space and wondered is someone else on another distant galaxy is staring up into their own sky and wondering whether you exist? Have you suspected the existence of extra-terrestrials? Government cover-ups? Vast conspiracies involving key player in the highest positions of power, but reaching down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet?

Wondering is for the weak, my friends. You and I must take action! Currently there is enormous pressure on Barack Obama to release the government files - nearly 800 million pages - on aliens and alien sightings. The Extraterrestrial Phenomenon Political Action Committee (x-ppac.org) has collected over 40,000 signatures to demand that Obama release the secrets. (read more at http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/dec/01/inside-politics-48017626/)

Let the alien who loves to eat cats (i.e. Alf) out of the metaphorical bag! I am fully confident that the aliens are all around us. Granted, it may be possible that the aliens are very, very, very far away... light-years even. Or they may be living in James Carville. Nonetheless, their memory will live with us as long as we don't forget them. REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

As Brave New Films would say in an annoying child voice whisper, "psst... do something." Sign the petition and demand that Obama release the UFO files. I promise that I will read them thoroughly.

Yes, do something. Anything really. Even if it is merely to tie your shoe-laces with licorice, the important part is that something is done.

p.s. I know this blog is not my best effort, but they can't all be winners. Even if you didn't like the post, I hope you still appreciated the pictures.

This Thanksgiving, Give Thanks for The Fa-La-Lattes.

2008-11-24T12:09:00.005-05:00

I will be leaving shortly to visit my in-laws over Thanksgiving. But before I go, I thought I'd spread around the holiday cheer and what-have-you by announcing the newest installments from The Fa-La-Lattes. Even as I write this, I am more excited than Steve Jobs was when he announced the iPhone. (For those of you who are standing up at your computers, you may want to sit down before you read this. For those of you who are sitting down, stand up.)

On behalf of The Fa-La-Lattes, I would like to announce:

The launch of falalattes.com
The release of our first entirely original Christmas album, entitled "(Your Christmas ⇒Here⇐)"
The release of a collection of public domain Christmas songs, entitled "Christmas On Public Property"

Best of all, you can download both of these albums for free. Just go to falalattes.com and enjoy. And, if you ever get bored, check out all the other entertaining features: pictures, bios, videos, and more!

Have A Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! And Enjoy The Unnecessary Capitalization I Have Employed In These Sentences.

This Really Gets My Goat, Rankles Me Up, And Ruffles My Feathers... Also, Dr. Pepper Is Nauseating

2008-11-21T09:38:00.008-05:00

You know what I don't get? Joke T-shirts.

I've been on this earth a long, long, long time (some 67 years). In all that time, I don't recall ever hearing something so funny that I thought, "wow, I should get this joke in writing, but on myself."
Similarly, I don't like shirts that try to self-identify the person wearing them in some intentionally ironic fashion. Shirts like: "Wanna-be" "Poser" "Hipster" "Super-star" (or other variations of the star/celebrity theme). These are more annoying than a football fan with a cowbell.
That having been said, I do love me some Tuxedo t-shirt. I also like monkeys wearing business suits... I'm only human after all.
In other news: In celebration of the release of Guns and Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album (which I'm sure will be... great), Dr. Pepper is giving away free Dr. Pepper. Don't believe me, check out the full story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27829616 and enjoy what must be the worst kind of soda that has ever been made by humans.

Etiquette Lessons, Focus On the Family, and Kübler-Ross

2008-11-18T11:32:00.007-05:00

This weekend I was faced with a question of proper etiquette that I could not answer. So, I will put the question to ya'll. First, allow me to explain the situation.

Lydia and I were at an event, an improv comedy event to be specific, hoping for an entertaining show. We had already taken our seats when we saw someone from our collective past, a fellow Dordt Alum.* This was not someone I ever got along with at Dordt. I'm not even sure if we ever really talked. Indeed, I believe we had strongly disliked one another from afar... So, there he was, taking a seat quite near us. What do you do?

Worse, I walked right by the same guy two weeks earlier. What to do?

Since we were never friends and didn't like each other, stopping to chat seems odd. I chose to ignore him entirely, pretending I didn't recognize him. Yet, I felt guilty about this. I felt like I was breaking some unwritten rule, and Emily Post was rolling in her grave.

What do you want from me, Emily?! Am I really suppose to talk to this 10-foot tall, monster Dutch-man who has a distinctive voice and uses cologne that smells like meat loaf?! Leave me alone. (P.S. I may have just made up the meat-loaf smell... but I did know another guy who had a peculiar meat-loaf smell.)

In other news: Focus on the Family announced recently that it will be laying off about 20% of its staff, making this 15 straight years of the decline of the James Dobson empire. I am getting more pleasure out of this information than I should be. I hope some this makes some of you as happy as it makes me.

*You will rarely hear my self-identify as a Dordt alum, but I am trying to reconcile myself to the school I graduated from. I realized that I am almost through the Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief. First, I denied that I had ever gone to Dordt, opting to claim a state school. Then, I was angry about having gone to Dordt, which has lasted for about 3 years. The bargaining stage went quick. Depressing mixed with anger. Finally, I am ready for the acceptance stage: I can no longer fight it. Though it was not the best decision, I went to Dordt.

I Invented the Internet. (It was easy. I just used a series of tubes and a dumpster full of information.)

2008-11-13T15:53:00.007-05:00

GOOD NEWS!!!

European judges recently decided that the idea of a block with studs is not a concept owned by Legos. They therefore removed Legos' trademark status. AWESOME!!!

Legos will now have competition from rival block/stud manufacturers. So, if any of the readers of this blog have been wanting to manufacture a Lego knock-off, but were previously afraid of copyright infringement, fear no more! (I'm thinking of manufacturing some myself. I'm going to call them "Dan's Studded Blocks.")

Wait... I hope this doesn't mean I can't patent my 2x4 wood board with rusty nails in it. I totally came up with that idea.

I also invented "Head On" and came up with the accompanying commercial, seen below:

Yeah. That commercial was all me. You're welcome, world.

This sort of creativity runs in my family really. In fact, my grandpa was also an inventor. He came up with this brilliant invention (for adults only).

In closing, I would just like the say: Head On. Apply Directly to the Forehead. Head On. Apply Directly to the Forehead. Head On. Apply Directly to the Forehead.

How to Know Everything: Dan's Guide to Unlimited Knowledge

2008-11-10T16:17:00.005-05:00

I am a substitute teacher.

What? When did this happen?

Recently, my friends. Recently.

Anyway, I enjoy it quite a little bit. It can be very stressful, especially since I often don't know what I'm going to teach until 10 minutes before I have to teach it.

On my very first day, the regular teacher forgot to leave a lesson plan, so I had to ad-lib off the cuff, if you will. It was like "whose line is it anyway?" except not funny... So, basically like "whose line is it anyway?" In short, that first day was a disaster, but I learnt me some important things that have made every subsequent day great.

I realized the secret to success in teaching (at least 50% of which is literally just showing up), and I am going to share it with you all. Are you ready? Here it is: when you are searching for a fact and it is alluding you, make something up. That is the best way to know everything about everything. I have come up with facts like these on the spot:

Only 3% of the earths water is drinkable.
MLA formatting was invented by the Holy Roman Empire in response to a plagiarized heresy
Wikipedia is a reliable source for information
Piracy laws don't exist, it is just a scare tactic
90% of success is just showing up (i.e. substitute teaching... this one might be true)*
The People's Revolutionary Party (which may or may not actually exist) is currently in charge of the Ukraine
Most plants reproduce asexually
Pennsylvania went for Taft in 1876
Plants communicate using complex bio-chemical interactions

Some of the facts above may happen to be true, but I'm not really sure which ones. However, if you say them with confidence, the children will believe.

*If you read this and thought to yourself, "wait, did he just use the same joke that he used a few sentences earlier?" No. I didn't. You misread.

Still Need Convincing??? My Encounter With a Real, Living, Undecided Voter. (Also, a whole lot of somewhat annoying parenthetical comments)

2008-11-03T15:42:00.008-05:00

So, today I met a real, living undecided voter. She was everything I had come to expect from undecided voters, namely, incoherent. She said she liked McCain but, didn't want to vote for him because - though she believed in God - she didn't believe in the "Christian God" (who apparently is backing the McCain/Palin ticket). She didn't like Obama because "he is a socialist." She was considering voting for Nader; which is good, but this led me to believe that she either a) didn't know who Nader was or b) didn't know what socialism was. (On a parenthetical side-note: I know Nader is not a socialist, but his policies line up much closer to the socialist platform than Obama). I asked why she supported Nader, she said, "I don't know... I just think he's like... umm... I don't know. I like him." Obviously, she had given this a lot of thought. (Another parenthetical comment: I love Ralph Nader! He has done more than 99% of politicians to positively impact the lives of Americans). (Also: I have absolutely no problem with people going for third-party candidates, I merely have problems with people who are contently and totally uninformed, yet still vote. Democracy can only work with an informed electorate).

(Sorry about all the parenthetical comments).

Well, I recently found a person who endorsed Obama and should change the minds of all undecided voters. John Mellencamp [yes, the John Mellencamp] has recently endorsed Barack Obama:

John Mellencamp is small town America (and visa versa)! By way of extension, therefore, small town America just endorsed for Barack Obama! And, if what I've been hearing from the Republicans is correct, this means an endorsement from real America (not the fake America of the city folk, with their half-cafe, no foam, soy lattes).

In case you aren't convinced that Mellencamp represents small towns, just read the lyrics to his song, "small town"*:

Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Probly die in a small town
Oh, those small communities

All my friends are so small town
My parents live in the same small town
My job is so small town
Provides little opportunity

And he goes on to mention small towns another dozen or so times. I'm not entirely sure, but I believe that this song very well may hold the record for "most mentions of the phrase 'small town' in a song." Given this fact, I believe that he must represent all small town persons.

And, Sarah Palin said it best: "we grow good people in our small towns." (I think this might be the first time anyone has ever said "Sarah Palin said it best.") Therefore, Obama was also just endorsed by good people.

So, to all the undecided voters out there, just remember, a vote for Obama is a vote for the real America, wherein good people reside, and where they eat real lettuce: iceberg/head lettuce.

(Again, sorry about all the parentheses.)

*If you don't know the song, just sing these words to the tune of "Jack and Diane"; it is virtually the same song, with only slightly different words.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-29T10:40:00.002-05:00

Here are two of the scariest videos on the wide, wide world of web. They are my Halloween gift to you, my loyal reader.

I hope those didn't scare you away. Seriously though, I love old school animatronics.

Sup? Nothin' much... Cool. And there goes my leg room. In other news: It turns out that Grand Rapids is not Manhattan.

2008-10-24T11:11:00.010-05:00

What is with people who don't understand personal space? Yesterday, I was sitting at the library looking for a job and a guy came up and sat on the floor right by me with a car magazine and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. The personal space was one thing, the library was relatively empty so there was plenty of space for us all to sit without anyone invading anyone else's personal bubble, but the chips were far worse. The guy had one of those chews that emphasized the sound of saliva breaking down the food. I thought about offering to chew it up for him so that he wouldn't have to exert such effort producing such a vast amount of saliva.

Then I was at a coffee shop today and a guy decided to sit at my table. Again, I looked around and noticed several empty tables, but this guy decided that I looked inviting or something, so he plopped down across. I looked up, surprised. He said, "'sup?" I said, "not much." He said, "cool." and we both went back to work, but with less leg room.

Perhaps this is just happening because I am in a larger city now. But, let's not kid ourselves, Grand Rapids, you are not Manhattan. I can understand the invasion of personal space a bit more when there more than 1.5 million people living on a relatively small island. Why does Grand Rapids think it is bigger than it actually is? I think it should change its motto to "Grand Rapids: we think we're important, but actually are not."

Granted, that is not the most catchy motto, but then again, neither is "Alaska: North to the Future" but that's actually their motto. Honestly, "North to the Future"?!? That is the lamest thing I've ever heard. Maybe we should let Todd Palin secede from the lower forty-eight.

In non-related news, the Rufus Wainwright show was incredible. I feel in love all over again. It was just him and his piano in a very intimate venue. Here is a picture of him. He is sooo dreamy. And even better in person.

Breaking News: Sarah Palin is determined to destroy Chile!

2008-10-09T15:06:00.004-05:00

We all know that Sarah Palin's popularity has been dropping like rock. No doubt this is due to the main-stream, gotcha media, but it has gotten worse. Her unpopularity now threatens international economy. Palin Syrah, a once popular Chilean organic wine has been hit. Due only to its name, people don't want to drink it. It's sales have plummeted. This has gone beyond mere political gaffe, now Sarah Palin threatens both the Chilean economy and the drink of the gods.

That fits under the umbrella of job elimination Sarah.

We See A Coming War

2008-10-07T13:12:00.003-05:00

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but it may be the most important blog you read this year!

Every year, around this time, I get nervous. I can feel it. As regular as clockwork it comes. There is no stopping it. As surely as the pumpkins are painted with care, and fake coffins adorn the lawns of the faithful, it will arrive.

It is Halloween — a season of acrimonious public debate.

Some are still blissfully unaware, but there is a war on. The liberal secularists want to squelch our religious liberty. These elitists are trying to prevent good, hard-working, small-town Christians from celebrating our rich religious heritage. Christians have been celebrating Halloween since the earliest eves of their religion.

The liberal media is responsible for fanning the flame of the small, but vocal minority of those who oppose Halloween into a massive fire. And we are all caught in the middle of this war.

Well, I and my readers are good Christian soldier, marching as to war, and we will not be ignored. The main-stream, gotcha, liberal-biased media - many of whom don't even believe in the Great Pumpkin* - can't just expect us to go away, leaving them to their god-less pursuits. We Christians feel it necessary to get unnecessarily and irrationally offended over holidays whose roots we don't understand. But our lack of understanding makes us no less assured of the purity of our aspiration. Therefore, we WILL make our voice heard.

I firmly assert that there is a war on Halloween. It is not a war fought on television, school grounds, through public display, or by the Supreme Court. It is a battle for the hearts and minds of every god-fearing person in this great nation.

So, good Christian soldiers, marching as to the war on Halloween, DO SOMETHING. Let's let our Battle Hymn to the Republic be heard on every hill and mountain, saying, "Happy Halloween!" Do not let yourself be silenced by the devil and his minions of anti-Christian workers, i.e., the liberal media.

I have compiled two lists below. One list of stores that have stayed strong and are still willing to say "Happy Halloween" (the phrase first uttered infallibly by Saint Paul in his letter to Thessalonian). The other list of stores that are trying not to "offend" people, those pluralist reprobates. It is our duty as Christians to support only persons and institutions that agree with us. "If you are not for me, then you are against me."

Stores Who Will Say "Happy Halloween" This Year:

Target
Kohl's
TJX stores (TJ Maxx, Marshall's, HomeGoods, A.J. Wright, Bob's stores)
Wal-Mart
J.C. Penney's
Hobby Lobby
Michael's
Denny's
In-N-Out Burger
Bath & Body Works

Stores Avoiding Halloween:

Best Buy - steadfastly refuses to mention Halloween
Home Depot - still hiding behind the "holiday" trees
L.L. Bean - one Halloween catalog issued, all others holiday-centered
Crate & Barrel
Eddie Bauer - doesn't want to offend anyone
Toys 'R' Us
Banana Republic
Bed, Bath & Beyond
The Gap

Godspeed, my fellow Christian soldiers, marching as to war.

*The pumpkin was how Christians understood the Trinity before the egg was invented.**
**For those of you who are unfamiliar with the egg/trinity link, its simple: an egg has three parts, a yolk, the whites, and the shell. They are three distinct parts, but only together are they an egg... or something. It is without question an absurd way of explaining the Trinity, but don't tell that to Sunday school teachers (or even certain seminarians). I did once and it was not pretty. (I think a better explanation for our day and age is captain planet.)

Doom, The Rock, Will Shortz, The Ukulele, and Negative Political Attack Ads

2008-09-30T09:45:00.009-05:00

Yesterday I realized that we get free cable and I watched Doom. Yes, Doom. The one with the Rock in it. Why did I watch Doom? Because it was on. I felt like a muttonhead, but I turned it on right when they were explaining that ancient humans had 24 chromosomes (as opposed to the modern human's 23) which gave them super-powers... and I was hooked. Why did 24 chromosomes make them super-human? Because of the biological principle: more chromosomes are better (which makes all the other great apes better than humans incidentally). As the biological theory goes: when the quantity of chromosomes increase, strength increases exponentially.

Suffice it to say, humanity's intelligence stands in an inverse exponential relationship to the amount of Doom they watch. So I am going to spend today under the guidance of Will Shortz to attempt to reverse the negative effects of yesterday's indiscretion.

In unrelated news, everyone should play the Ukulele. It is more fun than getting hit with a paintball ("Oh boy, there is a welt on my body and my clothes are stained with purple goo. This is fun.").

On a more serious note, I think this is one of the best political commercials I have ever seen.

Whether you agree with it or not, it is a succinct explanation of what Obama claims to stand for and against without going for negative, personal attacks. I wish McCain's campaign would try to model this, rather than the Karl Rove (or Lee Atwater) smears.

On the other hand, I've been annoyed lately that people I meet seem to think that negative campaigning is a new phenomenon that emerged within their life-times. In reality, it was a factor in every election after Washington's first unanimous election. Adams spread rumors that Jefferson supported incest; Jefferson claimed that Adam's had several mistresses and was hermaphroditic. And these two were actually friends. Smear songs are one of the oldest forms of American music. Negative poster campaigns were mass produced. When the radio was invented, negative radio ads were pioneered. And TV ads were used before even before the TV was invented (or shortly thereafter). In ancient Rome (which is like America, but older) they would write negative campaigns or smear efforts on the wall, a political effort they adopted from the Cavemen (and women).

It seems that the American voter responds more strongly to fear than to a ten-point plan (which might make Obama's ad ineffective). We have not moved beyond this to an enlightened voter yet, and I don't see that as happening anytime soon. Kerry was not the first to be "swift-boated."

Palin-sanity or Palin-dromes or Palin-ode or Palin-ternational or Palin-imical And Campaign Commercials And Bears And JFK Addressing the Issues

2008-09-12T09:13:00.013-05:00

Watch this video before reading the post.

Great! Now I'm afraid of Russia and bears! Thanks a lot Reagan.

Campaign commercials aren't what they used to be. They used to stick to the issues... like the threat of bears. Just look at how Kennedy used straight talk to address the concerns of his day.

Simple. To the point. He makes clear the stakes of the election. He cuts through the crap and gets to our vital interests, i.e., catchy tunes.

In related news, does anyone else think this novel Republican "feminism" is inadvertently sexist? From what I can tell, everyone who asks Sarah Palin a question is accused of being sexist. Almost none of the questions I have heard are any different than what they would ask a man, and this makes the Republican over-reaction seem extremely sexist itself. If they want to treat her as an equal, any question that is fair game for a man is fair game for a woman. Then, we should evaluate her on her response, as we would anyone else. I guess if you oppose feminism for so long, it won't take hold overnight.

Though I don't want to overload this blog with videos, I thought this was a great example of the current Republican hypocrisy regarding Sarah Palin. As Diane Rehm (of NPR) pointed out, The Daily Show is actually fulfilling the role that the non-fake news media has abdicated.

Obama Nation and People Who Forecast Meteorological Conditions

2008-08-26T13:57:00.016-05:00

Last week Thursday, we got a call from our Landlord letting us know that they would be re-tiling our kitchen. We had four hours notice before we had to clear everything out of the kitchen. The fridge, dishwasher, and stove are now all in our living room. It is somewhat inconvenient. It would be far more inconvenient if I was being honest, but I am trying to be positive, so, it is only somewhat inconvenient. Anyway, because of this, we have had to eat out for several of our meals in the last few weeks.

Last night we were at a restaurant, avoiding the mess in our kitchen. As is my usual habit when we eat out, I partook in some casual eavesdropping (I am always listening because you never know where the terrorists will strike next). Anyway, two middle-aged to elderly couples were discussing Barack Obama. Their conversation is written below, but you need to watch this political ad for context before you read it.

Old man 1: Did you see this new Obama ad?
Old man 2: Which one?
Old man 1: It said that he is friends with a terrorist.
Old man 2: Really?
Old man 1: Yeah, apparently this terrorist works for Obama or something.
Old man 2: Who is the terrorist? Is it Al Qaeda?
Old man 1: Apparently, it was some sort of weather person or new caster or something.
Old man 2: An American.
Old man 1: I think so. He went crazy or something and bombed the white house and killed a bunch of cops.
Old man 2: And this guy works for Obama?!
Old woman 1: I don't think that's true.
Old man 1: It is true. It was on the television. Obama is a terrorist.
Old man 2: So do you like McCain?
Old woman 1: Oh, I just hate that Cindy McCain. She scares me.
Old woman 2: Me too. Did you see her on "the View"? I thought she was weird and too intense.
Old woman 1: Michelle Obama was on "the View" too.
Old man 1: I don't know about McCain.
Old man 2: I don't know... I think I still like Obama.

I laughed. Old people are funny and adorable. That commercial is less funny. The Republicans, in typical Karl Rovian manner, are trying to use fear in order to literally scare up some votes. I really would like to see a campaign run clean and on the issues, but the negative is so much more powerful than the positive in terms of motivation.

Presidential Politics and Me... and dogs, cows and other animals

2008-08-21T08:41:00.009-05:00

There is a woman sitting next to me who apparently never learned the lesson that you shouldn't talk with your mouth full. She is eating a bagel with cream cheese and discussing someone else's wedding photos. This is offensive to my sensitive, suburban, Emily Post lovin' ears. (That's right, I'm hot for etiquette.)

So, I know everyone out there has been waiting for me to throw my hat in with a presidential candidate before you would even consider thinking about who you might think about considering to support as a presidential candidate. Well, the wait is over. I have carefully weighed all the issues, and feel confident and delighted to endorse this dog.

I think that the mental recession that America is suffering from could be remedied best by an adorable president. (Though Bush is pretty adorable.)

On a related note, I believe that the American voters are not to be trusted. Thus, I have decided that we would be better off if we left our next election to the greatest game of chance ever invented. I have three words: cow pie bingo. The cows are ready, are you?

I have the whole system figured out in a way that will still allow for some degree of democracy. People still vote for the candidates and the amount of votes will determine the amount of cow pie bingo squares allotted to each. If a candidate gets 46% of the votes, they get 46% of the squares. It is that simple. Not only is this incredibly sensible, but it is also the most godly way to choose quality individuals. Remember how Matthias way chosen in Acts 1? Think about it. Casting lots, Cow Pie Bingo... essentially the same thing.

In short, vote or die. (Those are your options, without any exaggeration, overemphasis, hyperbole, embellishment, or suprainductablizationates)*
*(I just coined that word, it is defined as "any book containing the word 'Russia' or etymological information about the word"... thus it in no way applies to what was previously being stated and was used out of context in order to give me a chance to coin said word.)

One president once said, "the only thing to fear is fear itself." Now it's patriotic to fear... Color-coded in fact. And other musings

2008-08-19T10:20:00.011-05:00

I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say. Yet, I propose that this is and will be the greatest blog post ever written by a human. (I can't promise it will be better than what this monkey might write.)

I might not be able to back up that claim with anything substantial, but try disproving it. You can't. Can you? The objective standard of blog criticism is not universal, and that is exactly my point. Think about it.

Okay. Not stop thinking about it. If you don't stop, you might be an elitist.

What is with the debate over unrestricted off-shore drilling? I am tired about hearing about it. This is the stupidest political controversy since the gas-tax holiday.

Speaking of politics. John McCain is not the original maverick. There are only four "original mavericks", and those are the poker playing brothers Bart, Bret, Beau, and Brent Maverick, from the critically un-acclaimed comedy-western TV series of the late 50's and early 60's: "Maverick." McCain's commercials should just say, "John McCain: a (really old) maverick (for our time.)" McCain better recognize, else ther'l be consequences.

Who is the tall dark stranger there?

Maverick is the name.

Riding the trail to who-knows-where

Luck is his companion

Gamblin' is his game.

Smooth as the handle on a gun.

Maverick is the name.

Wild as the wind in Oregon

Blowin' up a canyon

Easier to tame.

Riverboat ring your bell.

Fare-thee-well Annabelle.

Luck is the lady that he loves the best.

Natchez to New Orleans.

Livin' on jacks and queens.

Maverick is a legend of the west.

Fox News, the NIV, and Rupert Murdoch are a Triune Force for Evil

2008-08-15T08:34:00.004-05:00

Let me clarify this Fox News/NIV link. Rupert Murdoch created and owns News Corp, which own Fox News. Fox was launched in 1986 by News Corp. In 1989, Rupert Murdoch bought Harper Collins. Zondervan is a imprint (brand name) of Harper Collins, used to market books to Christians. The NIV is owned and controlled by Zondervan. Thus, though the NIV was not translated under the evil tyrant hand of the (apparently) "born-again" Christian, Rupert Murdoch, profits from NIV sales go to Rupert.

Of course, this is only one of many reasons not to use the NIV. As far as translations go, it is more biased than necessary and often loose in its translation. One of the primary problems with it is that, though there were many scholars involved, each book is primarily the work of one person, for better or for worse. Thus, parts of it are fantastic. For instance, the Psalms are rendered beautifully in the NIV, but there are part where it is weak at best, misleading at worst. Also, the Greek and Hebrew manuscripts the NIV choose to use were not always the most reliable. The NIV was essentially created in order to place Jesus into the Old Testament, regardless of whether Jesus is there or not. They also resolve contradictions in the text (which, despite what I was taught, are all over the Bible).

One of the passages that bothers me most in the NIV is when they translated a female name as a male name in order to take away an argument from those who argue for women in leadership roles. In Romans 16:7, Paul greets Junia (a female name) as an apostle. The NIV, with no manuscript evidence to back this up, changed the name to Junias (a male name). Their reasoning is that women are not in leadership roles and therefore, Paul wouldn't have greeted a woman in a leadership role.

The NRSV, on the other hand, was translated by an ecumenical committee of scholars who had accuracy in mind. They used the best and most reliable manuscripts. And, though it is far from perfect and is a bit harder to read than the NIV, it is far and away the best translation of which I am aware.

When I was young, I was taught to hate the NRSV. I was told that it stood for "New Reviled Sub-standard Perversion. I have also heard "No Redeeming Social Value." Very clever indeed. Let me try one with NIV: "Never Intoxicate Verbs." hmm... that needs some work. Whoever comes up with the best new acronym wins an eighteen trillion points.

There are a few reasons churches tend to prefer the NIV. First, it is marketed better and cheaper. Second, the NRSV is a very academic translation, and there is a great deal of mistrust concerning this in the evangelical community. Third, the NRSV is the greatest thing since sliced bread and you know how Evangelicals feel about sliced bread.

In other words, I am hot for the NRSV.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank - Woody Allen

2008-08-05T13:15:00.006-05:00

My mom recently send me a book on prayer. It is divided into 60 evening devotionals. She said it was helpful for her and that I should read through it. I read through day one and it was fine, if not a little cheesy. Every chapter has an action that you are supposed to take. The first one was to "do some trust exercises with God." I had no idea what this meant, but assumed it must be referring to the trust fall: where one person falls back without catching themselves and another person catches them, thereby building trust.

Needless to say, God decided not to catch me and I had to get three stitches after I hit my head on our rocking chair. Well, that last part was a lie. Nonetheless, I don't know what trust exercise I could do with God.

A Political Car Wreck

2008-08-01T09:55:00.007-05:00

I am currently sitting my usual coffee shop (Lemonjello's). I am sitting at a window facing the main street. I was working on my blog post and looked up out the window. Suddenly, I heard the loud screech of breaks, followed immediately by the screeching car and then the sound and sight of one car slamming into another. I've never seen a car crash happen so close. That are literally only about 30 feet from me. Close enough that I actually felt the boom of the crash. A few police cars and a fire truck just arrived.

Anyway, back to my previous post.

Rock the Vote

Sure, this presidential race may be historic. We had/have the chance for the first woman president, the first black president, and the only president who personally to have know and fought along side of Caligula (i.e., oldest president; a giant leap for someone who shouldn't be leaping given the contents of his 700 page health report). But there has yet to be a vegetarian president. Agri-business, or the agricultural industrial complex is unfortunately the largest lobby firm in the history of evil (please don't fact check that, just trust me). Why doesn't anyone go for the vegetarian demographic? This is a group that includes brilliant mathematician Einstein, techno wiz-kid Moby, noted blogosopher Daniel M, famous code-producer, Leo Da Vinci, and perhaps as many as a dozen more persons.

The difficulty is to unite all the different varieties of the basic vegetarian, i.e., the classic vegetarian, the vegan, the flex-itarian, and the other portmanteaux relating to not eating meat. Perhaps a potato-tician, or a poli-turnup would do the trick. Lettuce-lator, spinach-tor, public servant, e-leek-ted official.

In conclusion, this year, I am hoping one of the four remaining Candidates - Bob Barr, Ron Paul (he's still in it to win it baby), John McCain, and Hilary Clinton (according to Bill, she's actually winning the popular vote) - will rock not just the normal vote, but also might plow down the veggie vote. Here are some things they could say.

Hilary: I don't feel in no ways tired (of vegetables). As president, I will put an end to our dependence of foreign beef and pork products.

Ron Paul: As a libertarian president, I would put an end to all government agricultural-industrial complex. I have always said that locavorism is the gateway to flexitarianism.

Bob Barr: Libertarian rhymes with flexitarian. And our founding fathers wanted it that way. (If as many as five people read my blog I have just doubled publicity for Bob Barr)

McCain: When I was on Noah's Ark, sometimes I would misunderstand God and eat two of every creature on the ark. It was my version of a prehistoric gaff.

Obama: (I have no idea what he says most of the time because I am in a hypnotic trance, filled with hope and inspirational feelings)

Michelle Obama: My husband and I were trained at a radical Madrasah and are a part of an Islamic sleeper cell group within the U.S. When I do the fist jab with anyone, it is a signal sent to the international community of terrorists (the ICT). Also, Barack Hussain was sworn in on the Koran. And we all know that the Koran prohibits the eating of pork. Vote for me. (Just in case anyone reads this who didn't understand that the New Yorker cover was satire, let me make it perfectly clear that these statements are not to be taken literally... I'm looking at you Fox [hardly any] News).*

Okay, so those weren't all clever or funny. But, the point is, we've seen so much pandering in the last few months, all I'm asking for is a little pandering to be sent in my direction. We need some carrot-friendly sound bites. Or should I say, sorrel bites! (Portmanteau strikes again!)

God Bless Amer-arugula! Enjoy your summer stay-cations everyone!

*It's sad to me that the same guy who owns Fox News (Newscorp) also owns the NIV Bible and profits from its sale.

Straightforward Truth About Dan And His Ilk

2008-07-18T11:58:00.006-05:00

Lydia and I have some Pomegranate and Mango (two of my favorite fruits) body wash. It smells so lip-smacking, mouth-watering, good that I think I might eat it one morning on accident. I can totally see myself in the shower - tired, out of it - starting to chow down on this delectable body wash.

Yesterday, Lydia and I bought some crab Rangoon. They baked on a cookie sheet in the oven at 400 degrees Fahrenheit (about 200 Celsius) for 10 minutes. After these directions on the box, they box warned in big red letters. Warning: Oven May Cause Cookie Sheet To Be Hot. It was certainly a good thing it had that warning use usually I try to take the cookie sheet out with my mouth which - assuming that oven did indeed heat the cookie sheet up - would have given me a nasty burn. What would the hoi polloi* do without these brilliant warnings.

The Crab Rangoon was not good.

That's all I have to say about that.

* On a dreadfully important aside: I am aware of the debate over the use of the article ("the") with hoi polloi. Though it is true that saying "the hoi..." is redundant as hoi already means "the", essentially making the phrase "the the masses/people". Nonetheless sans article the phrase sounds strange. Thus, my decision was based on an ascetic choice. For those of you who disagree with my decision, I respect your disposition on the matter.

God Is Speaking To Me In My Sleep... or the goat cheese I had for dinner is messing with my subconscious

2008-07-08T12:26:00.006-05:00

I had a dream last night that ran like a history channel documentary. So much so that when I awoke, I could not immediately figure out if I had actually seen this or not. Had my brain been more awake, I think I could have figured it out. But, it wasn't so I didn't. Anyway, on to the content.

I dreamt about Fidel Castro's coup in Cuba. He had just taken over the country and had begun appointing his friends to prominent positions of power within the government. The documentary/dream was about one of his less successful appointees: the Director of the Department of Public Relations (I doubt this position ever existed, but dreams aren't necessarily known for their accuracy).

The man Castro had appointed to this position was a charismatic, but odd man who had previously been a struggling actor.

This man's first order of business as Director of the Department of Public Relations was to change the name of the Department to simply, "the improv." He then began doing weekly broadcasts in which he and some of his actor buddies would come on TV and do short informative skits that doubled as situation comedy.

This was wildly successful among the people. So much so that they insisted that he become Fidel's second in command. This was not to Fidel's liking, so Fidel sent him to America on a "foreign relations visit". Fidel then blocked his re-entrance into the country. But the expelled leader went on to found Second City. True story. The End.

Now, I know this dream means something. But I do not know what. Someone please interpret.

Otherwise, it may mean nothing. In which case, it would be an entertaining satire. Perhaps a film along the lines of Zelig (by Woody Allen).

The Category Is: Things That Freak Me Out

2008-06-19T09:36:00.003-05:00

I am totally freaking out.

I sat down at my regular table at my regular coffee shop and was going about my day... regularly. And then a strange thing happened. Two men sat down right next to me.

True, that is not strange in itself. It happens regularly. But, I haven't said the strangest part. One of the men looks exactly like Garrison Keeler and the other looks exactly like Nathan Lane.

Seriously, an impeccable likeness.

Now, this shouldn't be as freaky as it is, except for my deep, dark, secret phobia: I am terrified of Garrison Keeler. He is my mental image of the Crypt keeper. I am scared of him like children are scared of clowns. (On a related note, I am also scared of clowns).

got blog?

2008-06-14T14:39:00.002-05:00

I know I don't give advice to local advertisers on this blog nearly often enough. But, let me henceforth end my silence.

Dear local advertiser,

Enough with the "got _____ (insert product here)?" advertising. It is not working anymore. In fact, it is overused so much that I believe people have begun to forget that it used to mean something. We have become inundated with it: "got movies?" "got haircut?" "got car?" "got pizza?" "got gas?" "got pharmaceuticals?" "got Jesus?" "got commercial airlines?" "got tae-bo?"

Enough. Now, I know you - local business owner - may not have been trained in advertising. But please, a little more effort would be nice. What is the thought process that causes you to subject the general public to this? Taking a familiar and beloved slogan and simply replacing its product with your own is hardly creative advertising, and I strongly doubt that it is effective either.

With this random slogan posted on a sign in front of your store, you do not even retain the elements that made the milk commercial work. If you recall, it was the context that made the original milk commercials amalgamate so well. Like the lime in a mojito, like flour in bread, like strange chemicals in American Cheese, this was the essential ingredient.

Think, for instance, back to one of the classics: A business-man - who we are led to believe is evil - is hit by a car. In the next shot, he is in a white room with a plate full of delicious chocolate chunk cookies. Surely this is heaven. Apparently hungry from his journey to heaven, he begins stuffing the cookies into his face in a comic fashion. Then he decides he needs milk to drink with these delicious cookies (whether he is a dipper or not is unclear... I presume he is not since he isn't four). Upon opening the fridge he is startled by the glaring absence of milk. His eyes widen. His jaw drops. "Where am I?" The screen goes to black, with these simple words: got milk?

That worked.

Now compare this with your method - local business owner. I am in my car driving home from a long day at the office. I see your sign on the road: "got dish-washer?" I now associate your store with my feeling of annoyance. Well done.

For these reason and more, I am requesting a ten-year moratorium on all "got ____" advertisements. I would appreciate your compliance.

If this poor behavior continues, I will be contacting Milk Inc. and requesting them to take legal action.

Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen

Also, to the milk company. Who are you people? Who aired this advertisement to begin with? Apparently, milk is its own company and it needs no representative to do its advertising. I am constantly confused when there is an ad for a mere thing with no brand attached. This makes sense in terms of public safety announcements, but milk hardly qualifies as that.

Here is an unrelated picture of Lydia and myself wearing our matching aprons.

In Other News

2008-06-06T15:02:00.004-05:00

As part of our effort to never be more than three hours from Ethan and Laurel, Lydia and I have decided to move to Minnesota. Lydia received an incredible financial package to attend the University of Minnesota for a master's degree in sociology. Thus, we will be moving to Mankato, Minnesota.

In other news: Exxon Mobil announced the biggest annual profit in the history of business in America. This as gas prices hit record highs around the country. Though I am glad that the high gas prices are finally seeming to affect the way we think about transportation, I am rarely happy with extortion. Let's hope the dems comes through with a gas tax holiday... Though economists say that it wouldn't have a positive or significant effect on the economy, I appreciate the pandering effort.

In other news: George Bush reached a record disapproval rating of 69%. That, coupled with his record set for most vacation days for a sitting president make me think: "hey, this guy's not that good at his job."

In other news: Though, short of a political miracle, Ron Paul will not receive the Republican nomination, there is now a city where his supporters can live out their blissful libertarian utopia. That's right: Paulville! This luscious, fifty acre plot in northern Texas is liberty itself. Bring the kids and you can finally purchase all the lead toys our government needlessly regulates. So long regulation! Hello rickets! (God bless Texas)

In other news: The FORD F-series' reign of terror is over. After 17 years holding the title of "best seller car in America", its sales finally fell. Sales on the fellow evil, the Hummer are also down 60%, an indication that the axles of evil are on their way out. All of this is good news for small-car-owners-who-don't-need-to-over-compesate-for-their-insecunites everywhere!

In other news: The people sitting behind me in the coffee shop are discussing how to interpret the Bible using the Holy Spirit. Apparently, the Holy Spirit makes the Bible more conservative, more Zionist, and more idiotic. "I used to think the Bible said (quote a Bible verse and give the obvious, straight forward meaning). But according to the Holy Spirit, it says (something crazy)." (God bless Texans)

p.s. axles of evil is a trademarked phrase, don't use it... seriously, I will sue.

Dan's Evangelism Extravaganza!!!

2008-05-01T15:43:00.010-05:00

Step 1: Approach a stranger on the street, preferably one who looks as though they might be an atheist. (You know what they look like...)

Step 2: Ask the person if they think they are a good person. (The answer will invariably be yes unless that person is depressed, in which case, your job is done.)

Step 3: Ask the person if they have ever told a lie. (Again, let's hope they answer yes, otherwise the logic breaks down. If they do say no, keep pushing the question until they admit to having lied... even if it's only to get rid of you.)

Step 4: Once they admit that they have told a lie, tell them that they are a liar. (Your tone here should be insulting. Remember: you are more righteous than them because you have Jesus living in your heart.)

Step 5: Add to their misery. Tell them that the Bible says that if we have broken one commandment - like "thou shalt not lieth" - you are guilty of breaking all the commandments. (Assure them that even if they haven't literally committed adultery with their best friend's spouse, that they in all actuality have committeth thus. Remember: King James Only (the one that Jesus used).)

Step 6: This is the key step. Tell them that the Bible says that liars go to hell.

Step 7: Describe hell in the most gruesome and extravagant way possible. (Example: hell is like your best friend stabbing you in the gut and twisting the knife... that, but for all eternity. Or, hell is like an old video projector projects images of former and current American presidents dancing in half t-shirts, while listening to the violin player from Dave Matthew's Band try to play jazz songs around a camp-fire... that, but for all eternity. Or, hell is like Tulip Time and Dutch Dancing. Create your own "Hell is like..." comment and post it in the comments.)

Step 8: If all is going correctly, and your description of hell was vivid and terrifying, they should be scared, and hopefully they are whimpering a little. People rarely are fully aware when they are scared, as the center for logic in the brain shuts down. Exploit their fear. It's the Christian thing to do. Tell them, I've got a get out of hell free card right here. His name is Jesus. All you have to do is a say this prayer and have a personal relationship with him...

Step 9: You've got them!!! You've reduced them to putty, and now you can build them up in your own image and keep George Bush in office for eight more years!!! (Plus, you can get your hands on their sweet, sweet money! Oh, the wonder working power of sweet, sweet money.)

God Bless America!!!

And Kirk Cameron.

Check Out My New Haricut (everybody's doin' it)

2008-04-10T07:23:00.007-05:00

Hey everybody,

I got a new haircut. I thought I'd blog about it. Here are the before and after shots!

BeforeAfter

I think it looks a lot better now. But I certainly paid for it. You know what they say though, you get what you pay for... and if you try sometimes, well you just might find you get what you need. Oh baby.

In other news, I am livin' it up for Spring Break. And, I am proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I'd proudly stand up... (dah-dah-dun)... next to you and defend her still today. Cause their ain't no doubt I love this land... God bless the USA. Especially the south.

Some people call me the space cowboy. That song has the world's worst fade out. Seriously. The world's worst.

Facebook

2008-03-11T13:03:00.004-05:00

So, I am registering for www.facebook.com as we speak. But, I want to explain that I am doing so only because Marcus told me he would buy me a coffee if I did so. At first, it was a confusing process, but that is because I first went to www.myface.com. This was not the right site.

On that note, I also had a dentist appointment today. Now, I hate the dentist as it is, but today was a worse experience than usual. The dentist's assistant kept talking to me. Not that I mind a little friendly banter at the dentist's office, but she did not know how to do so appropriately. There is an unspoken, but very important rule to dentist etiquette which this person was apparently not taught: If you are jamming needles into a person's mouth and scraping their teeth, ask yes or no questions only ("yes" and "no" are basically the same sound at this point, but for "yes", you slide your hmm upwards, and for "no", you slide your hmm downwards). Do not ask questions that are involved and require explanation, e.g., "how did you become interesting in ancient near eastern languages and cultures?" If you are going to talk to me at the dentist's office, leave me out of it. Just talk to me... it is not the place to make friends.

Next on Dan's blog: Dan gets a Chia-pet. (ch-ch-ch-chia) Tune in next time to check out it's progress.

V-Day

2008-03-02T11:57:00.007-05:00

Lydia is out of town this weekend and I have literally become a sloth. Here is a picture of myself that I just took using Photo Booth. I am a cutie. Two-thirds of my body weight consists of stomach. I maintain a low body temperature that slows my reaction time considerably. I move about one foot per minute (sometimes less). I sleep 15 to 18 hours a day while hanging from a tree branch.

What I mean to say is that I have not been very productive this weekend. But, I do enjoy eating.

Last night I went to the Vagina Monologues for the second time. It was not as good as last year. Regardless, I would recommend that everyone see it. It is moving, powerful, emotional, and very funny at points. (Click here to find an event near you!)

I decided to have drinks on either side on the event to heighten the experience. I had a cosmopolitan, a margarita, a white Russian, and two kinds of beer. On Friday, my German teacher taught us this German drinking song.

Im Himmel gibt's kein Bier, (In heaven there is no beer)
Drum trinken wir es hier. (That's why we drink it here)

Those are just the first two lines, but its got a catchy beat.

I Have Good News, and I Have Bad News

2008-02-21T15:08:00.004-05:00

The Good News: I have gone down two belt notches.
The Bad News: It is because my belt has stretched.

hmm... this doesn't feel like a substantial blog.

Lately I've really been missing Israel. I want to go back.

Here is a picture I took of the wailing wall in Jerusalem.
This is a desert flower. It was totally out of place in its surroundings.This is the Sea of Galilee.This is me squishing a grape while on a walk through a vineyard. This is a camel that was blocking the road to Masada.

I love NOVA! ♡♥♡♥♡

2008-02-12T17:23:00.001-05:00

Ok... so maybe that last post wasn't my best. But, I think I can honestly say that it wasn't my worse. Now that's a competition. I'm quickly racing to the bottom of the blog world, Hibbles is my main competitor in that race... (just kidding... but not really)

I have stitches on my arm right at the place where I typically rest my arm on the tables when I type. This means that whenever I sit down at my keyboard, I always hit my stitches and it hurts like a moe.

In other news, I have been reading a lot of very ancient near eastern literature lately, primarily Jewish. My favorite has been one called the Fragment Targum. A Targum the ancient translation of Scripture from Hebrew into Aramaic, the common language of Jews at the time. But, it is far more than a mere translation, the Meturgemams (the one's who translate) would attempt to explain the Hebrew rather than just translate. They developed their own oral traditions for doing so in the process and would often incorporate popular Jewish folklore into the texts. Sometimes, whole passages and stories are added to texts. Or texts are clearly distorted so that they will apply to the contemporary situation. The fragment targum in particular does this often. This Targum came from Palestine around the 1st and 2nd centuries. The more accepted Targum, Targum Onkelos (from Babylon around the 3rd and 4th centuries), was authorized by Rabbis and "cleaned up" many of these extra-biblical stories.

Anyway, here are some of my favorite sections from the Fragment Targum that I wrote in my notes.

After the expulsion of Adam from the garden, a lengthy section is added: God’s shekhina dwells, “from the beginning, above the Garden of Eden, in between two cherubs; even two thousand years before the world had been created, He created the Torah [and] He established the Garden of Eden for the righteous that they might eat from, and indulge in, the fruits of the trees, for having observed the commandments of the Torah in this world; He established Gehenna for the wicked which is like unto the double-edged shard sword; He established within it sparks of fire and burning coals for the wicked, to be avenged of them in the world to come, because they did not observe the commandments of the Torah in this world; indeed the Torah is the fruits of the tree of life; whoever keeps it in this world shall continue to live like the tree of life in the world to come; the Torah is good for those who toil [in it] and who observe the commandments, just as the fruits of the tree of life in the world to come.”

It might be helpful to know that it was popular belief by this time that Wisdom (or Torah) had been created long before the Genesis creation account. As Prov. 8:22, Wisdom is the first of God's creation.
It is interesting that the Torah is the tree of life, even though the Torah leads to a knowledge of good and evil, just as the tree of knowledge does.

This section is right after the Egyptians are drowned in the Red Sea: “The sea and the earth were arguing together; the sea said to the earth: ‘Receive you children.’ And the earth said to the sea: ‘Receive your slain ones.’ Neither did the sea want to swallow them up, nor did the earth want to receive her slain ones. A fear of her Father in Heaven grasped the earth, lest He demanded them [back] in the world to come… the earth immediately opened her mouth and swallowed them.”
This section follows the Red Sea episode as well: “Four nights are written in the Book of Memories: The first night: when the LORD was revealed upon the world in order to create it… The second night: when the LORD was reveal unto Abraham better the pieces… was not Isaac thirty-seven years old when he was offered up on the altar; the heaven inclined and descended, and Isaac saw their perfection and his eyes flowed to the heights; and He called it the second night. The third night: when the LORD was revealed upon the Egyptians in the middle of the night; His left hand was slaying the Egyptian firstborn, and His right hand was rescuing the Israelite firstborn… The fourth night: when the world will reach its fixed time to be redeemed; the iron yolks will be broken, and the evil-doers will be destroyed; Moses will go forth from the wilderness, and the King Messiah will go forth from Rome. The one will lead at the head of the flock, and that one will lead at the head of the flock, and the memra of the LORD will lead between both of them, and they shall proceed together; and the Israelites will say: ‘(His) kingship is the Lord’s in this world and in the world to come – it is His.’”

memra means "word." The memra of the Lord was an idea that was fully developed at this point. Indeed, creation was all done, according to the Targums, by the memra of the world. This no doubt is one of the ideas that informed the author of the gospel of John.

The reason I like these is that they show some of the earliest indications of how the Bible was read, and are links to the mentality of those who wrote the Bible as well. One thing we find is that folklore, legends, and so on were always embraced by these people. They were not all that concerned with history.

I could probably write a bit more about this, but no one likes blogs that get too wordy... do they Hibbles?!

Greek Chorus

2008-02-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

It has been over two months since I last updated my blog.

Here is a picture.

I never said it was a good picture.

Show Us Irrefutable Proof!!!

2007-11-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite parts of the creation museum was the part where they (they being the geniuses at answers in genesis) attempted to "prove" dinosaurs in the Bible. First they read the description of Behemoth from Job, and noted that God doesn't tell Job to think about a Behemoth, but to "behold ye now". They noted that many study Bibles suggest that this creature could be a hippo or an elephant... but, do their tails look like cedar trees? I think not. Doesn't this look more like what God describes? (see picture of sauropod) Needless to say, this was plenty of evidence for me. I quickly abandoned my foolish belief in science since, as the creation museum noted at least fifteen times, "fossils don't come with tags telling us how old they are".

Anyway, I was convinced the behemoth must have been a sauropod and not the mythical creature that appears in early Jewish literature saying that there is only one Behemoth who will battle God in the end-times and will be defeated and that his meat will be served at the Messianic banquet. That sounds like human reason.

Next came Leviathan. This was even more convincing. They read the magnificent Biblical description of Leviathan from Job 41, noting that Leviathan apparently breathed fire and lived in the water. They didn't provide any, "here is a possible dinosaur match" or "some dinosaurs apparently breathed fire, here is 'evidence'". They simply said, "Leviathan must have been a magnificent creature."

Even for folks who are a bit lazy when it comes to evidence and reason (read: creationists), this was unconvincing. First of all, if you look at Psalm 74:14, Leviathan is described as having multiple heads ("It was you who crushed the heads of Leviathan"). I know of no non-mythical creature that breathes fire and has multiple heads. And, like Behemoth, there is a lot of mythology surrounding Leviathan. Leviathan actually originates from a Ugaritic myth, a myth that was around long before the formation of the Scriptures (here is an ancient carving of Leviathan). The Leviathan myth was likely brought into Jewish mythology because ancient Jewish mythology emphasized the sea as the origin of evil (which is why Revelation 21:1 pictures the new heaven as a place without seas; see also Dan 7:2-3; Rev. 13:1-2). Personally, I thought that the museum would have been smart to simply leave Leviathan out altogether. Lumping a clearly mythological creature in with a creature who is just probably mythical casts them both in the same mythological light.

All that being said, here is a video Marcus and I made last year about Behemoth. (We heard the song on an HBO special about creationists.)

Iraq Me, David Petraeus

2007-11-17T09:55:00.000-05:00

(to be sung to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus" by Falco)

Another phrase to add to my list of phrases I have come to hate: "It's not either/or, but both/and." This is one of those phrases that applies in so many cases that it has simply become useless... maybe we should make a short-hand for this generic phrase, like the word (which I am conceiving of right now), "nestrial". From now on "nestrial" will be short-hand for said phrase.

A response to Reuben's comment: When you did the crime, you voted to crime the vote. If you were gonna vote the crime, you should/ve crimed the vote before you did the vote crime.

A response to Laurel's comment: My school has taught me to take everything with a grain of cynicism. It's not so much that we reject your peoples, but we will make fun of them in an arrogant fashion and "wax eloquent" about "post-modernism" and the "transformational perspective" of people "searching" looking for the "emergent church". And to "piggy-back" on my own comment, what we at seminary believe must happen is a theatrical paradigm shift. By the way, the Bible is our guide to improvisation... ethically speaking.

A life-long goal: I have recently fulfilled a life-long goal of mine. This semester I have an 8:00 class that is so pointless and boring that I have to bribe myself to go each day. The only thing that works is breakfast from a local coffee-shop (Lemonjello's). So, about 4 out of 7 days a week, I go to this coffee shop and order basically the same thing.

Then it happened... last week Monday, I walked in and the woman who usually takes my order simply asked, "the usual?" I said, "yes." And there was rejoicing deep within my soul. Now, every time I walk in, she simply gives me and nod, I give her a nod, and she grabs me a cranberry walnut scone fresh from the oven and makes me a delicious medium vanilla latte. And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that I have fulfilled my life-long goal of having a usual at a coffee shop. I feel like I am finally living the dream... and I am. As they say, nestrial.

My thanksgiving plans: I am going to the creation museum. I am very excited about this. I am preparing to believe... and laugh and cry and die a little inside. You can expect at least two more blogs about this.

The Phrases You Have Come to Fear the Most

2007-11-05T16:46:00.000-05:00

There are certain phrases that I have heard almost every school-day for the past three years. I am tired of these phrases.

I have developed a bingo board which I pass to fellow cynical class-mates and we have redirected the annoyance that comes with these phrases into enjoyment. In ethics, this might be called "over-accepting".

"I just want to push back against that a little..."
Any sentence involving the word "paradigm" (particularly if this paradigm is doing any shifting)
"Just to Piggy-back on that comment..."
The phrase: "useless head knowledge"
"Vision-casting"
"Calling" (this is a Dordt College hangover)
Incarnational/Transformational (esp. when used in the same sentence)
Buzz-word (this word has become self-defining)

These are the phrases I have come to hate the most.

A Dreadful Night Spent Trying to Restructure My Character

2007-11-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

The other day, Lydia and I were waiting for our order in a pizza/italian subs restaurant. Four teenage girls... either seniors in high school or freshmen in college entered the restaurant. They were loud and obviously desired everyone to notice that they had entered the building. They looked a little like this picture.

Here are some highlights from their conversation.

Girl 1: "What is a grinder?"
Girl 2: "I think it's like a sub."
Girl 3: "No, it's not a sub... it's a hoogie!"
Girl 2: "Oh yeah, that's right... that's what I meant."
Girl 4: "How big is the whole grinder?"
Girl 3: "18 inches."
Girl 1: "That's like a foot long."
Girl 2: "I think it's a little more than a foot."
Girl 4: "So, if we split a whole sub, is that enough food?"
Girl 3: "That's like 2 inches a piece."
Man behind the cash register: "May I help you?"
Girl 1: "Yeah... we'll like have a sub... I mean a grinder..."
Man: "Would you like anything to drink with that?"
Girl 2: "Yeah... umm... I'll like have.... umm... like... a water."
Girl 3: "We'll all have pop."
Girl 2: "Can you make it a bottled water?"
Man: "That will be $15."
(Girl 1 pays the man)
Girl 4: "How much is that per person?"
Girl 1: "If you all give me $5 that will work out right."
Girl 3: "Ok."
Girl 2: "Remember that scene in like dumb and dumber when the guy asks, 'what's the soup du jour?' and the lady's like, 'the soup of the day'. And then he's all like...
All girls in unison: "That sounds good, I'll have that."
(The girls break into inane laughter... Lydia and I quietly leave the restaurant... suddenly sullen and depressed.)

I hate to say it, but the American education system has failed.

Crazy Liberal Communist Bra-Burning Eco-Feminist!!! Eat it, Rachel Carson!

2007-10-19T07:46:00.000-05:00

Check out this crazy eco-feminist. She is trying to change the world for the better. This crazy feminist thinks creation is beautiful... she's a crazy. We all know that the Bible says that creation is ugly. KJV forever!!!
Booyah eco-crazies! You tell her baldy! Eat it, Rachel Carson!!!

How To Teach Ethics To Mind It's Own Freakin' Business and Get Up Outta Your Grill... Word

2007-10-09T10:15:00.001-05:00

I know several guys here at seminary seem to use the language of war inappropriately.

Yesterday I had lunch with one of these guys and he was “attacking” everything. “I am in this small Bible study and it’s awesome. We are studying Luke and we’re just attacking it from every angle.” Or “I just ripped this book apart.” Or my favorite, “I just want to get a strategy in place and figure out the best way to attack ethics.”

What is this? Why do you want to attack ethics? The language of “attacking ethics” conjures up images of taking ethics and beating it into submission.

Yeah! I just kicked ethics in the junk and stole it’s wallet! That’ll teach ethics to mess with me.

p.s. Dan would like to thank Comic Life. Thank you, Comic Life.

Things I Have Learned and Believe About Life and Love: Read This, I Mean REALLY... Read This: Join me or die. Can you do any less?

2007-09-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

If God brings you to it he'll bring you through it............

Read this...I mean REALLY read this... You have 6 minutes... Go!

I am disrespectful to dirt. Can you see that I am serious?

You must post this blog on your own blog in the next six minutes, or else terrible things will happen to you. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Say 'bless you' when you hear s omeone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson !
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. < /SPAN>
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Spend some time alone.

Join me or die. Can you do any less?

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not ignore this message.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Dan

2007-09-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

Yet another no-so-witty exploitation of the meanings and ambiguities of words to add to the arsenal of Christian Combat Evangelism (CCE).

Like many of CCE wordplays, this bumper sticker has inspired me to begin production of Christian “Son-screen”.

It is 100 proof and even has a reflective layer built in so that the wearer seems to be radiating light. “Hey mom, is that person filled with the Spirit?” No, it’s just Dan’s 100% effective ‘Son-screen’.

Made from the "elements" left over from Holy Communion. Blessed by Bill Hybels himself!

Let Jesus protect your skin, not just your heart. (Also contains zinc oxide and octyl methoxycinnamate.)

So, What Would Jesus Do? He would buy Hybels's brand 100% effective “Son-screen” today! (patent pending)

An Open Letter to "Friends"

2007-09-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dear E and L Koerner,

The brick exterior of your house looks lovely in the steadily falling rain... where we are sitting, contemplating your late arrival, thinking about roast beef, kaiser rolls, mashed potatoes, and other delectables that we are not currently eating. We sure wish you were here to enjoy this moment with us. Oh that's right, you abandoned us to wander around mosquito-laden Bowling Green and go to church instead... you obsequiousizers. You know, Jesus doesn't listen if we seminarians tell him not to.

So now we sit here enclosed in our rented powder-blue P.T. Cruiser cursing your names (metaphorically) and writing one heck of a diatribe.

Oh good, you're here. No hard feelings ok.

Love, love, love.

D & L

The Versatile Man: A Day in the Life of a Huge Tool

2007-09-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

Orange Mocha Frappachinos!!!

2007-08-31T15:55:00.000-05:00

Marcus and I just went to Starbucks and ordered Orange Mocha Frappachinos (or Frappuccinos) while listening to Mariah Carey ("All I Want For Christmas is You").

After this we had a gas station fight which got out of hand... and now Marcus is dead. (I couldn't find a recent picture of Marcus... but this one will have to do).

Sorry Amy.

God bless us, every one.

my life in pictures

2007-08-16T12:13:00.000-05:00

(no, i didn't steal the idea from marcus and amy. they stole the idea from me.)

this is dan being proud of being done with cutting all of paper one of five for their wedding invitations. dan is also trying to look like a pig. and succeeding.

this is the lake that dan camped near this past tuesday and wednesday. hurray for HUGE (160 people) family reunions. this is also the lake where dan both learned to drive jet skis.

this is dan looking cute in front of the lake.

this is dan looking cool in front of the lake.

this is dan looking pissed in front of the lake.

this is dan posing with the huge chunks of wallpaper that they ripped of the wall in an attempt to help amy remodel the living room.

A Simple Question

2007-08-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

Why is the plural of mongoose "mongooses" and not "mongeese"?

That is all.

Molly and Frannie

2007-08-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went visiting elderly home members from our church. An elder and I were bringing them communion. As usual, it was a great experience. I really enjoy hearing some of the stories they tell.

One woman we went to visit was 99 years old and feisty, yet very sweet. Her name is Frannie, which is a very appropriate name for her. She has a stuffed cat that she thinks is real. The cat's name is Molly.

The woman I was visiting with said that the first time she visited she didn’t realize that Frannie thought the cat was real and she picked up the cat wrong. Frannie began yelling at her for hurting her cat. From then on, she always handled the cat with care.

Molly sits on Frannie’s lap all day and sleeps with her each night. Frannie pets Molly constantly and always gives Molly loving looks and hugs and kisses.

Frannie marvels at how well behaved Molly is. “He doesn’t even mind when I clean his eyes,” she tells us as she rubs his eyes with a nearby cloth. “Molly was really excited this morning because he ate sausage… it’s his favorite.” Frannie tells us about all of Molly’s favorite foods: mostly, Molly sounds quite carnivorous. Molly also enjoys the rain and doesn't like the younger nurses.

The love Frannie has for this stuffed animal was touching. It seemed a little sad at first. The cat is one of her only companions because Frannie has very few surviving family members; she has outlived her husband and most of her children. But, Frannie’s love for Molly was real and beautiful.

I don’t really know what else to say about it, but it was great to meet and visit with Frannie, as well as to share communion with her.

Signs and Such

2007-07-23T14:01:00.000-05:00

Apparently, people were trying to dive in this field of dry grass... there is no body of water within 10 km of this sign.

It's kinda a restaurnt... it's also kinda a hair salon... it would also kinda fit in perfectly in northern Michigan. I'm not sure if restaurnt is the correct spelling... again, this would fit perfectly in northern Michigan.

What is the difference between a trumpet player and a chain saw?
Vibrato. (This bad joke was brought to you by a website of some sort)

I suppose eating habits are a good basis for a relationship. This is obviously the road to a successful relationship. My prediction is that the couple will split when she finds out that he doesn't consider fish a meat.

Maybe Vegetarian means something different in Israel. But, typically chicken (shnitzel) and beef are not vegetarian dining category... (and yes, I asked and they do not use meat substitutes.)

thrown by the target of an invocation.

2007-07-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

Today I tried to log on to my school email account and received this error message:

CLL.S3.Angel error '80131600'
Exception has been thrown by the target of an invocation.

I don’t know what it means, but the cryptic language frightens me.

A word of advice: If you have several small cuts on your feet, don’t go swimming in the Dead Sea. It hurts.

Another word of advice: If you don’t have several small cuts on your feet, go swimming in the Dead Sea. It is a strange pleasure.

Time is short. Must go now.

I Will Always Wait For You To Catch Me Up

2007-07-15T03:01:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since my last update. It is hard to know where to begin, what to tell, and what not to tell.

First, this last week I switched from the beginner class to the intermediate. This was not a gradual switch; it was baptism by fire. So, this last week has been extremely difficult and mentally and emotionally draining. We are assigned about four chapters of Hebrew text each night that we have to learn and know – well enough to recognize orally and reduplicate – for the next day. The next day we often take whatever we read and then retell the story in Hebrew using the future tense, present tense (imperatives and participles), and then the simple past tense (most Hebrew texts use the sequential past). On top of this, they go through an unbelievable amount of new vocabulary everyday. The teachers are very good about bringing it back and continuing to drill it, but it is still incredibly difficult. Needless to say, I was looking forward to Sabbath on Friday night.

One of the great things about switching to the intermediate is the chance to travel more. Basically, we’ll take those chapters we learn and then go to wherever they occurred and re-read the story there. I think I will have to come back someday to learn more about the sites outside of their use in the Biblical story (I certainly wouldn’t mind coming back). We do get some background about the sites, but all of it is in Hebrew and I often miss things.

So places we have gone and the places we will go. The first field trip was with the beginner’s class down to Joffa (or Joppa); we went through the book of Jonah down there and I got thrown into the Mediterranean like Jonah… apparently the lots fell on me.

On the next trip, we followed the path of the ark of the covenant when it was stolen by the Philistines in 1 Samuel 4-6. So, first to Even Ezer (Ebenezer) and Aphek, then to Ashdod and Ekron, then to Beth Shemesh… then to the Elvis café, which has the largest Elvis statue and statue collection outside of Graceland (though I am not sure if the ark of the covenant ever went there?). One of the strangest things I found on this trip were “sea” shells on desert plants. Maybe everyone else knows about these, but they caught me off guard. They are everywhere (pictured the beginning of the post).

On the next trip, we went down to the Negev: Ziklag, Be’ersheva, and G’rar. This was a great trip. Ziklag was cool as there were a lot of wild horses, a few camels, and an Israeli army helicopter that circled us the entire time we were there. I think it was unusual to see a tour bus that far off the road. Be’ersheva was an amazing place, with the largest cistern I have ever been in... also the second cistern I have ever been in. G’rar was beautiful, though there wasn’t much there besides trees and fields of wheat and barley. The Negev is the desert… I drank 4 liters of water and was still dehydrated when we came back.

This week we will go up to the Galilee for three days, which will be exciting. On the weekend, we will go to Bethlehem. And then in our final week we are going to the Old City southern wall excavation, and to Hezekiah’s tunnel. There is also a day of surprise field trip sites… so I’ll let ya’ll know.

(On a related note, English needs to adopt “ya’ll” officially. I really don’t like being unable to differentiate between 2nd person singular and plural.)

Besides this, we are still working on memorizing Jonah and trying to get ready to teach when we come back. All of this is making the time go incredibly fast. Weeks go by like days. I literally just count the Sabbath’s and let the rest of the time just blend and blur into a constant, unbroken mass.

Sabbath here is such a mystical type of experience. I have tried to describe it, but I can’t find the words. It is not found in the strange arbitrary rules many Christians thrust onto it (like no swimming or TV or restaurants or the whole variety of rules designed to make us not enjoy the blessing). But, it is also not in the do whatever you want kind of thing (where people like me usually end up working and getting busy). Nor is it somewhere between these two extremes. It is different. It is wonderful and enigmatic. There is a mystical atmosphere in this place. It’s as though on Friday’s you can feel a blessing descending in the air. Everyone seems to love it: Christian or Jew, religious or non-religious. Everyone seems to relish it.

I know that probably sounded strange and new agey... maybe I can impose more analytic language on it later… maybe not.