Dan's Evangelism Extravaganza!!!

Step 1: Approach a stranger on the street, preferably one who looks as though they might be an atheist. (You know what they look like...)

Step 2: Ask the person if they think they are a good person. (The answer will invariably be yes unless that person is depressed, in which case, your job is done.)

Step 3: Ask the person if they have ever told a lie. (Again, let's hope they answer yes, otherwise the logic breaks down. If they do say no, keep pushing the question until they admit to having lied... even if it's only to get rid of you.)

Step 4: Once they admit that they have told a lie, tell them that they are a liar. (Your tone here should be insulting. Remember: you are more righteous than them because you have Jesus living in your heart.)

Step 5: Add to their misery. Tell them that the Bible says that if we have broken one commandment - like "thou shalt not lieth" - you are guilty of breaking all the commandments. (Assure them that even if they haven't literally committed adultery with their best friend's spouse, that they in all actuality have committeth thus. Remember: King James Only (the one that Jesus used).)

Step 6: This is the key step. Tell them that the Bible says that liars go to hell.

Step 7: Describe hell in the most gruesome and extravagant way possible. (Example: hell is like your best friend stabbing you in the gut and twisting the knife... that, but for all eternity. Or, hell is like an old video projector projects images of former and current American presidents dancing in half t-shirts, while listening to the violin player from Dave Matthew's Band try to play jazz songs around a camp-fire... that, but for all eternity. Or, hell is like Tulip Time and Dutch Dancing. Create your own "Hell is like..." comment and post it in the comments.)

Step 8: If all is going correctly, and your description of hell was vivid and terrifying, they should be scared, and hopefully they are whimpering a little. People rarely are fully aware when they are scared, as the center for logic in the brain shuts down. Exploit their fear. It's the Christian thing to do. Tell them, I've got a get out of hell free card right here. His name is Jesus. All you have to do is a say this prayer and have a personal relationship with him...

Step 9: You've got them!!! You've reduced them to putty, and now you can build them up in your own image and keep George Bush in office for eight more years!!! (Plus, you can get your hands on their sweet, sweet money! Oh, the wonder working power of sweet, sweet money.)

God Bless America!!!

And Kirk Cameron.


Marcus said...

hell is like watching a movie trailer for any Matthew McConahy movie over and over and over and over and over...

Laurel said...

hell is like going more than a week or two without a new post from dan.

ethan said...

hell is like talking to marcus, but for eternity.
so...just like talking to marcus.